Jokes

A bloke sees a midget carrying a TV back to his car.
"Can you manage that plasma telly ok mate, do you need a hand?" the man inquires.
"Ha f**king Ha, you cheeky get. It's a f**king Kindle!"

Why couldn't the Scarecrow masturbate?
He was clutching at straws.

What do you call a woman with two fannies?
N-Dubz.

Boy: "Can I go to a 50 cent concert
Dad: "Sure. Here's a dollar. Take your sister.

A dangerous inmate escapes from prison after serving ten years of a life sentence. While on the run he comes across a house in a remote location and breaks in to it. He creeps upstairs knife in hand, to find a young married couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties the woman to the bed, climbs on top of her, starts kissing her neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.

The guy tells his wife: "Listen, this man is desperate. He's probably not seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't fight him, don't complain, just do what he tells you.
This man is dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong darling. I love you.

His wife replies: "He says he spent the last ten years in prison. He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me that he finds you very attractive and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong darling. I love you too."

I went on a blind date at this new little French restaurant that has just opened. She had frogs legs and chicken breasts, on the positive side she had a fabulous personality.

I was at the match when I saw a Mexican wave....so I waved back to him.

Fool people into thinking you have a social life. Don't tweet for several hours.

I can always tell when my wife wants to begin an argument. Her mouth starts to open

A man gets married but he's led a sheltered life. He's unsure what to do on his wedding night. 'For goodness sake!" says his wife. 'Just take your things off and put that thing you play with in the place where I pee!' So the man does just what she says.. he gets undressed and puts his accordion in the sink.

Two old men suffering from long term memory loss were sitting on the steps of the old-age home when an ice cream van drove past. "Gee," said the first old codger. "I'd love an ice cream right now." "Would you like me to get you one?" asked the second old bloke. "Are you joking?" the first old fart snapped back. "You'd forget my order straight away." "No I wouldn't," replied the second." "All right, then," said his mate. "I want a double cone with mint ice cream and choc chips, and a cherry on top." The second old bloke repeated the order flawlessly. Five minutes later he walked back carrying two meat pies. The first old bloke looked at the pies in disgust then yelled, "I knew I should've gone myself. You forgot the bloody sauce!"


I've been door-to-door preaching about the quality ingredients in my new shampoo, like Elder Berry and Elder Flower.
I've also distributed literature such as The Washtower and Aflake!
Not everyone speaks to me and I get a few doors slammed in my face.
However, I love being a Jojoba's Witness...

A prostitute was visiting her doctor for her regular check-up.
"Any problems you should be telling me about?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I have noticed just lately that if I get the slightest cut, it seems to bleed for hours" she replied. "Do you think I might be a haemophiliac?".

The doctor answered: "Haemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a haemophiliac. Tell me, how much do you lose when you have your period?" After pondering a few moments, she replied: "About £300 on a bad night."

Little Tommy's dad asked him. "Do you know about the birds and the bees?" "I don't want to know!" little Tommy cried, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asks his son what was wrong.

"Christ dad...." Tommy sobbed,....when I was seven, I got the "There's no Santa" speech. When I was eight, I got the "There's no Easter Bunny" speech. Then when I was nine, you gave me the "There's no Tooth Fairy" speech!. If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really f**k. I've got nothing left to live for!"

A 90 year old man is boasting to his friend that he's just got his 18 year old wife pregnant. His friend says "let me tell you a story. This hunter I knew went out to shoot a bear but picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. Now, when he found the bear he pointed his umbrella at it and shot it through the head. What do you think of that?" The old man replies "but that's impossible. If its true someone else must have shot the bear." The friend replies "my point exactly."

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "watch out for the fucking wall..."


A man went to the doctor and said - "Doctor, whenever I fart there's no smell". The doctor asked he man if he could do one there and then, which the man did, very loudly. The doctor sniffed a few times, said - "Yes, I think I know what the problem is", went out of the surgery for a moment and came back with a very long stick with a hook on the end. The man became very frightened and asked - "Doctor, what are you going to do with that thing?", to which the doctor replied - "I'm going to open the window - you've got something wrong with your nose!".



I was watching TV when my wife sat down beside me, stroked my cock through my jeans and whispered, "Fancy a fuck?"
I said, "You're after something..."
"No I'm not," she protested.
"Yes you are," I said. "You're after Match of the Day. Come back in an hour."

Behind every fat woman there is a beautiful woman....no seriously, you're in the way.

Don't talk to me about lie detectors....I married one!

Convince your wife that you work the night shift at a brewery by going to work at 8pm and coming home at 6am, smelling of beer.

Women always worry about men forgetting things, while men are always worried about women remembering things.