Jokes

What do we want?

"HEARING AIDS"

When do we want them?

"HEARING AIDS"

A husband and wife are in bed together. The husband says, " Do you enjoy sex with me - because it doesn't sound like it?"
"What do you mean?" asks his wife.
"Well, my mates say their wives moan and groan when they're being made love to, you don't." he replies.
"Ok, if that's what you want, I'll do it."
So they get down to business and his wife says:
"Oh you wouldn't believe the price of bread. The cat's made a mess on the carpet. Why don't you mow the bloody lawn?"

On his first day at work, an apprentice butcher was ordered to chop up some rabbit carcasses for display in the shop window. He was able to slice through the baby rabbits without any problem but found that the blade was not strong enough to force it's way through the adult animals.

After struggling for half an hour, he told his concerns to his boss who smiled knowingly and replied: "Remember what they say, son: old rabbits are hard to break."

A MAN was in court for stealing lead off a church roof. The judge asks him: "Why did you do this dreadful thing?"
The man says: "It's for my hobby your honour." The judge asked: "What hobby is this?"
The man continues: "I make toy soldiers out of the lead."
The judge also continues: "That is a hobby of mine also, what do you do with them?"
"I paint them, line them up, and march them down to the scrap yard." said the bloke.

Medieval pick-up lines

"Hey, Princess, you wouldn't happen to know where a lonely knight could scabbard his sword, would you?"

"Been there, slain that."

"What's a nice maiden like you doing in a dungeon like this."

"They don't call me Lance-A-Lot for nothing, you know."

"When the inquisition put me on the rack, my limbs weren't the only thing they stretched."

"Thou has hit me harder than the black plague."

"Your hovel or mine?"

"You should be glad I'm not a Viking. You would have been ravaged and plundered by now."

"My! What a beautiful damsel in distress! Allow me to help you out of it."

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
A: Your Honor.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Senator.


A husband and wife have four boys. The odd part of it is that the older three have red hair, light skin, and are tall, while the youngest son has black hair, dark eyes, and is short. The father eventually takes ill and is lying on his deathbed when he turns to his wife and says, "Honey, before I die, be completely honest with me. Is our youngest son my child?" The wife replies, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son." With that, the husband passes away. The wife then mutters, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the head waiter that there is a twenty minute wait for a table with it being very busy.
"Would you like to wait in bar, sir? he says.
"Ok" says the man, And walks up to the bar.
"What you like?" asks the bartender.
"Give me a Stoli with a twist" says the man.
The bartender pauses for a few seconds, smiles and says:
Once upon a time. there was FOUR little peegs...."

Prince Charles goes on a visit down the sewers to meet some drainage workers. He is introduced to Tom an elderly chap, who's worked down the sewers for forty years.

"This place is more interesting than you think" he says to the Prince.
"For instance, you see that turd over there? You can tell that's from the hairdressers in the High Street because of all the bits of cut hair stuck to it.
"How fascinating" says the Prince.
"And you see that one over there? says Tom. "That's from a garage toilet. You can tell by the oily sheen on it."
"Extraordinary" says the Prince." And what about that large one over there in the corner?"
"That's from my very own house that is, it's one of my wife's turds."
"How on earth can you tell that?" asks the Prince.
"Easy" says Tom. "It's got my sandwiches tied to it."

Whats the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb!

A couple stopped off at an English motorway service station for breakfast. They bought two full breakfasts, two coffees, and two donuts. When the husband reached the cash desk, he said to the female cashier: "I'm ever so sorry, I've only got a £50 note."
"That's okay" she said. "Just put the donuts back."


A Scotsman took his wife to hospital. She had two black eyes and a broken arm. "What happened?" asked the doctor.
"She was going through the change" replied the Scotsman.
"Women don't get black eyes and a broken arm, when they go through the change" replied the doctor, baffled.
"They do when it's my pocket!" the Scotsman replied.