Jokes

Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack.

"How did that happen?" asks the first guy.

"Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot."

"Geez," says the first guy. "If you'd opened the fridge, we'd both be alive right now."

General Custer is standing on a hill overlooking the Little Big Horn river. In the distance he can hear Sitting Bull's braves pounding on their drums. He turns to a Geordie soldier in his ranks and says:
"Listen, they have war drums."
The Geordie soldier replies: "Why, man! The thieving bastards!"


The clerk of the court addresses the prisoner standing in the dock.
"Do you wish to challenge the jury?" he asks.
"Not all at once" says the prisoner, but I reckon I could go a few rounds with the little guy at the back."

A Conversation Before Marriage:

Him: "Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait."
Her: "Do you want me to leave?"
Him: "No. Don't even think about it."
Her: "Do you love me?"
Him: "Of course. Over and over!
Her: "Have you ever cheated on me?"
Him: "No. Why are you even asking?"
Her: "Will you kiss me?"
Him: "Every chance I get."
Her: "Will you hit me?"
Him: "Are you crazy? I'm not that kind of person."
Her: "Can I trust you?"
Him: "Yes"
Her: "Darling!"

For a Conversation After Marriage: Simply Read This In Reverse.

Man: You've brought religion into my life.

Woman: Really? How?

Man: Until I met you, I didn't believe in Hell.


It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in.

He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date. Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."

Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?"

"Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her."

Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"

Things only a mother would say...

MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces Mona, and that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on the wall. But would you listen to me?"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon. If you're not hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!"

BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car Bruce, but do you realise how much the insurance will be!"

GOLDILOCK'S MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a broken chair from the bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie.?"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But Albert, it's your school picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you stop spending so much time in all those phone booths!"

COLUMBUS'S MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered Christopher, you could have written!"

Q: What's a man's definition of safe sex?

A: When his wife's out of town.


A man would come home very late and very drunk every night. His wife decides to teach him a lesson by dressing up like Satan and scaring him.

When he finally stumbles across the lawn, his wife jumps out and howls like a demon.

He looks at her and slurs, "You don't scare me. I'm married to your sister!"

A woman walks into a vet's waiting room dragging a wet rabbit on a lead. The rabbit does NOT want to be there.

"Sit Bunnikins", she says. The rabbit glares at her, jumps up on another customers lap, getting water all over him.

"I said SIT, now there's a good Bunnikins" says the woman, slightly embarrassed.

The soaking wet rabbit, squats in the middle of the waiting room, and pees on the floor.

The woman, now terribly embarrassed, shouts: "Hell, Bunnikins will you be good?!"

The Rabbit hops over to a Customers Doberman, bites it on the nose. then chases it out of the waiting room.

As the woman leaves to chase after it she turns to the stunned customers and says:
"I'm so sorry, I've just washed my hare and can't do a thing with it"

A man and his wife shower together. The husband puts his hand on her breast and says, "These are nice, but if they were a bit firmer you could walk around without a bra for me."

Then the husband pats her butt and says, "This is nice, but if it was a bit firmer, you could walk around without panties for me."

The wife turns around to her husband, grabs his groin and says, "This is nice, but if it was a little bigger, I wouldn't need your brother."

A man is walking around a supermarket shouting, "Mazola! Mazola!

The manager comes up to him and says: "Excuse me sir, but the Mazola's in aisle five."

"No. I'm not really looking for Mazola" replies the man. "I'm calling my wife."

"Your wife is called Mazola?" asks the manager puzzled.

"It's a sort of nickname" says the man, "but I only call her that in public."

And what do you call her at home?" enquires the manager.

"Lard- Arse" the man replies.

Q: What do men in a singles bar have in common?

A: They're all married.


Sue and Sally were discussing their sex lives.

Sue said, "Mine's OK. We get it on every week, but it's no big adventure. How's yours?"

Sally replied, "It's great ever since we got into S&M."

Sue was surprised. "Really, Sally, I never would have guessed that you'd go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."