Jokes

There was 11 people hanging onto a rope on the underside of a helicopter. Ten men and one women.

They all decided that one person should get off because if they didnt the rope would BREAK and everyone would die.They couldnt decide who should go

So finally the women gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others. Because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children giving into men and not receiving anything in return.

When she finished speaking all the men clapped.

One day at infant school, the teacher decided to play an animal game.

She held up a picture of a giraffe and asked if any of the class knew what it was. "See its long neck?" she said. "What animal has a long neck?"

Jemma puts her hand in the air and answers: "It's a giraffe miss." "Very good Jemma" said the teacher.

Then the teacher held up a picture of a zebra. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"

Timmy raises his hand and says: "it's a Zebra miss." "Well done Timmy" said the teacher.

She next held up a picture of a deer. "See the big antlers on this animal?" What animal has horns?" No child put up their hands.

The teacher gave them another clue: "It's something your mother calls your father."

Johnny's hand immediately goes up, and he shouts: "I know what it is miss. It's a horny bastard."

Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogie in it.

What do you call an honest businessman? Asif.


A German asks a Mexican if they have any Jews in Mexico. The Mexican says, “Sí, we have orange jews, apple jews, and grape jews!”


A Polish man, a German guy, and an American dude, climb a mountain because they each want to make a wish from the genie on the top. When they make it to the top, they find the lamp and all rub it. The genie appears and says, "For your wish to be granted, you must yell it out while you are jumping off of this mountain." So the German jumps off and yells, "I wish to be a fighter plane!" "So be it," the genie says, and the German becomes a plane. The American jumps off and yells, "I wish to be an eagle!" "So be it," the genie says, and the American becomes an eagle and flies away. The Polish man runs to the edge, accidentally trips on a rock, and yells, "I wish to b- oh S**t!"

Diary of a House Husband

1. Make the beds: What a waste of effort. We're only going to sleep in them again tonight. Forget That. Scratch 1.

2. Mop kitchen floor: The dog licked up that milk spill from breakfast. The floor looks clean to me. Scratch 2.

3. Pick up dog poop in yard: It snowed last night. I can't see any dog poop. Scratch 3.

4. Clean out hallway closet: Take enough out of the closet to close the door. Out of sight, out of mind. The other stuff can go under a bed. Scratch 4.

5. Iron laundry: The creases will probably fall out of these shirts when I wear them. Scratch 5.

6. Feed kids Lunch: "Hey kids, don't you have a friends house to go to?" Result! Scratch 6.

7. Dust and Hoover. Dust only reappears as soon as you remove it, so why bother? Anyway wife not tall enough to see on top on shelves.
Scratch 7.

8. Clean toilet bowl: Whoever looks inside the toilet? A couple of flushes should do the trick. Scratch 8.

9. Remove cobwebs from garage: What, and make families of spiders homeless? Leave them where they are and help the environment. Scratch 9.

10. Clean out the dog kennel: Why? The dog sleeps in our bed. Scratch 10.

11. Pick up the kids: We're talking about my kids here. Parents will usually pay to drop them back off. They'll be back. Scratch 11.

12. Cook dinner: Now how does the microwave work? Scratch 12.

All done. This housework is sooo easy!

THINGS YOUR WIFE WON'T SAY

-- The smell of beer on your breath drives me wild.

-- I'm bored. Let's shave the pussy.

-- I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

-- Let's get a good porno movie, a case of beer, and make an afternoon of it.

-- God, if I don't blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!

-- I only signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head.

-- Let's subscribe to Hustler.

-- Let's take pictures so your friends will believe you.

-- Honey, our neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again. Come see!

-- Awesome fart! Do another one!

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions" he observed. To the first mother he said:
"You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mum. "Your obsession is money. Again it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mum. "Your obsession is alcohol and you accentuate it even more by calling your child Brandy.

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on Dick, lets go home."

A nervous young bride became vastly annoyed by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and told him:
"I demand proper manners in bed, just as I do at the dinner table."

Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his tousled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets.

"Is that better?" he asked.
"Yes, much better" she replied.

"Very good darling" Now would you please be so kind as to pass the pussy?"

Teacher: "If you weren't covered in skin, what would you like your body to be covered in?
The first hand raised is James & he says: "I'd like to be covered in gold miss"
Teacher: "Why gold James?"
James: "Because Every time I scratch myself, I'll have a pile of gold & I could buy a Porsche"
Teacher: "Very good James, anyone else?"
The next hand to go up is John & he says: "Similar to James miss, only I'd be covered in platinum & that's worth more than gold, so I could buy a Porsche & a Ferrari"
Teacher: "Again, very good John, well done, anyone else, what about you Tommy?"
Tommy: "Errrrm, pubic hair miss"
Teacher: "Oh my, why pubic hair Tommy?"
Tommy: "Because my sister's got the tiniest little patch of it & you wanna see the motors outside her house"

Seems a scarecrow has been given a Nobel Prize. The judges said that he was outstanding in his field

A guy goes to a Shrink and gets the ink blot test to which to every image he replies when asked what he sees "two people having sex". The shrink says to the patient "you seem to be obsessed with sex" to which the patient responses "Me! You're the one showing the dirty pictures"