Jokes

Herds of elephants from all over Africa were summoned to a meeting in the jungle.

As their national leader took his place on the stage, one of the African elephants trumpeted impatiently:

"Come on, tell us what this is all about. We're all ears."


Two cows in a field - which one's on holiday?
The one with the wee calf.

Gazing adoringly at his new son lying in the cot, a husband said with a cheeky grin: He's quite big down there, isn't he?"
"Yes" said the wife. "But at least he's got your eyes."

A Native American walks into a bar with a cat, a bag of sh*t and a shotgun. He asks for a bottle of whiskey and immediately downs it. He throws the bag of sh*t up in the air, shoots it with his shotgun, and takes a big bite of the cat's ass.

The bartender asks, "Buddy, what the hell are you doing?"

The Native American responds, "I want to be like the white man: get drunk, shoot the sh*t and eat pussy."

The big bad wolf said to little red riding hood "unbutton your blouse and let me suck your tits“.
"Fuck off“, she replied as she tugged down her panties, "Eat me like the fucking book says".

A young woman went into a pet shop one morning and asked:
"Do you sell large white bears?"

"No I'm afraid we don't" said the sales assistant. And the woman left.

The next day she was back again. "Do you sell large white bears?" she asked.

No, I'm afraid we don't" said the assistant. The woman left again.

The next day she was there again. "Do you sell large white bears?" she asked.

"No, we don't" said the assistant. "And this is the third day you've come in and asked me that."

"I'm so sorry" said the young woman, "but I can't help it you see. I have buy polar disorder."

During a great Australian tea famine, the small Queensland town of Mercy developed a tea made from koala bears. The tea became famous throughout Australia.

One day a visitor from Sydney tried a cup, but was disgusted to find bits of fur and flesh floating in it. He asked the waiter if it could be filtered.

The waiter firmly replied: "The Koala tea of Mercy is not strained"

What's German for 'virgin'?
Goesintight.
What is the word 'non-virgin' in German?
Brokenhymen


Helga hangs the wash out to dry, then goes downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.

"Gootness, iss hot," she says as the sun beats down on her. She passes by a tavern and says, "Vy nought?" So she sits at the bar.

"Bartender," she says. "I vill have unt cold beer, please."

The bartender asks, "Anheuser Busch?"

"Vell, fine, tanks," she says, "Just ah leetle svetty."

Proverbs
As genuinely answered by junior school children in tests.

If you can't stand the heat.... get a pool.

Don't count your chickens.... eat them

A watched pot never....disappears.

Better to be safe than....punch a fifth former.

Don't bite the hand that....looks dirty.

You can't teach an old dog new....maths.

The pen is mightier than the....pigs.

Too many cooks.... so few meals.

Children should be seen and not....spanked.

Strike while the....bug is close.

Look before you....run into a pole.

Where there's smoke, there's....pollution.

Two's company. Three's....the Musketeers.

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call of a mother in labor. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a three-year-old toddler, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Mommy pushed and pushed and, after a little while, baby Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed girl what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place. . .smack his ass again!”

The following Historical Figures were invited to a Party.

Nelson said he'd give his right arm for a good party.

Wilber Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.

Einstein said that it would be relatively easy to attend.

Pierre and Marie Curie radiated enthusiasm.

Schubert said he'd come, but there was something he had to finish first.

King Alfred asked whether he should bring some cakes.

Edison said it would be an illuminating experience.

Watt reckoned it would be a great way to let off steam.

Dr Jekyll was in two minds.

Darwin said he would have to see what evolved.

On an official visit to state asylum, a US senator observed a patient reaching up and then putting something invisible into a basket on the ground.

"What are you doing?" asked the senator.

The patient replied: "I'm taking stars from the sky."

Puzzled, the senator moved on to the next patient, who appeared to be taking something invisible from the same basket and then reaching up high.

"And what are you doing?" inquired the senator.

The patient explained: "I'm putting the stars back in the sky."

More puzzled than ever, the senator moved on to the next patient, who was sitting in the middle of the floor making a rowing movement with both arms and shouting out, "Ahoy to starboard!"

"And what on earth are you doing?" asked the bemused senator.

The patient replied: "Trying to get away from those two nutters!"