Jokes

Stupid questions
1.Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?
2. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say "hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?
3. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?
4. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
5. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?
6. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
7. What do people in China call their good crockery?
8. What do you call male ballerinas?
9. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
10. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

What Men Mean


Haven't I seen you before? = Nice ass

I'm a Romantic = I'm poor

I need you" = My hand is tired

I am different from all the other guys = I am not circumcised

I want a commitment = I'm sick of masturbation

You're the only girl I've ever cared about = You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me

I really want to get to know you better = So I can tell my friends about it

It's just orange juice, try it = 3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head

he's kinda cute = I want to have sex with her till I am blue

I don't know if I like her = She won't sleep with me

I miss you so much = I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good

Was it good for you? = I'm insecure about my manhood

How do I compare with all your other boyfriends? = Is my penis really that small

I had a wonderful time last night = Who the hell are you

o you love me? = I've done something stupid and you might find out

Do you 'really' love me? = I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later

How much do you love me? = I've done something really stupid and someone's on his/her way to tell you about it now

I have something to tell you = Get tested

I'll give you a call = I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again

I've been thinking a lot = You're not as attractive as when I was drunk

I think we should just be friends = You're ugly

I've learned a lot from you = Next

Cinderella was desperate to go to the ball, but it was her time of the month and she didn't have any tampons.

Luckily her Fairy Godmother came to the rescue and turned a pumpkin in Cinderella's garden into tampon.

The Fairy Godmother warned her: "Be sure to be home by midnight or the tampon will turn back into a pumpkin."

Off went Cinderella to the ball. The Fairy Godmother waited patiently for her return but midnight passed and there was no sign of her.

Eventually Cinderella rolled in at four o'clock in the morning.

"What time do you call this?" barked the Fairy Godmother angrily.

"Sorry" Cinderella replied. "but I met this amazing guy and things got really heavy between us. His name was Peter Peter."

Who says beer won't make you smarter?
It made Bud Wiser.

How can you keep a blonde occupied for hours?
Give her a piece of paper with "PTO" on both sides.

What's Urdu?
Something you get from a Liverpool Barber Shop.

How come in movies if you decide to start dancing in the street, anyone you bump into will know all the steps?

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house."

A group of prisoners were in a rehabilitation meeting at which they had to admit to fellow inmates what crime they had committed.

The first prisoner said: " I'm Carl, and I'm in for murder. " The others nodded approvingly and patted him on the back for having the courage to speak up.

The second prisoner said: "I'm Pete, and I'm in for armed robbery." Again the others congratulated him for being brave enough to admit to his crimes.

The third prisoner said: "I'm Dave, but I'm not telling you what I'm in for."

The group leader intervened. "You must" he said. "It's the only way you'll progress."

"All right then" said Dave. "I'm in for screwing dogs."

"Whoa, that's disgusting!" shouted the others. "How low can you go?"

"Chihauhuas" replied Dave.

The Sex Derby

Stall line-up:

1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Dick
9. Heavy Bosom
10. Merry Cherry

AAAAAAND They're Off.
Conscience is left behind at the start...Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heaving Bosom is being pressured, and Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs, and Big Dick is in a dangerous spot...

At The Halfway Mark.
It's Bare Belly on top. Things open up for Thighs and Big Dick is pressed in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under pressure from Big Dick.

At The Straight.
It's Merry Cherry who cracks under the strain...Big Dick moves inside and Passionate Lady is coming...

At The Finish.
It's Big Dick giving everything he's got...Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but... Big Dick comes through with one final thrust and wins by a head. Bare Belly shows and Thighs weaken... Heavy Bosom pulls up, and Clean Sheets never stood a chance!!!.

An old couple is in a taxi in America.

The taxi driver says: "So which part of England are you folks from?"

The old man replies: "From Yorkshire"

The old lady says: "What did he say?"

The old man says: "He asked which part of England we are from and I said Yorkshire"

The taxi driver says: "I've been to orkshire once. I stayed with an old couple. The woman was horrible, a right bitch, it put me off going to England forever."

The old lady says: "What did he say?"

The old man says: "I think the driver knows you!"

A woman was in the kitchen, preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. Her husband walked in. She turned and said, "You’ve got to make love to me this very moment.
"His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all - right there on the kitchen table.
Straightening her attire, she smiled and thanked him before returning to the cooker. More than a little puzzled, he asked, "Hang on . . . What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer’s broken."

A Woman walked into a Mercedes dealership just to browse. Suddenly, she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped. Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed. But as she turned back, there standing next to her, was a salesman.
With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this beautiful car?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madam, I’m very sorry to say that if you farted simply from touching it, you are going to shit your panties when you hear the price."