Jokes

A farmer was sitting in his farmyard eating a sandwich when one of his hens zoomed by, with his cockerel in hot pursuit and closing fast.

Suddenly the cockerel slammed on the anchors, screeched to a halt and began pecking at the crumbs from the sandwich.

"Damn" muttered the farmer, "I hope I never get that hungry!"

An organic farmer didn't want to use a tractor on his small fields, so instead he bought a pair of Shire horses to pull his plough and wagons.

Unfortunately, a group of small birds had made nests inside the horses manes, weaving the hairs together, which prevented him from hitching the reins properly. He tried everything he could to get rid of the birds, but no matter what he did, they just came back again.

He tried lotions and potions, he kept the stable colder and warmer, he went to his local MP, he went to the vet, and even called the RSPB.
He trimmed the manes down as much as he could, but nothing would make the birds leave his horses alone.

Finally, he took advice from a bloke down the pub who told him to go and see a supposed wise-woman at the end of the village. The wise-woman listened to his story, and gave him some vile-smelling yeast extract to rub into the horses manes.

To his delight and amazement, it worked. Within two days, all the birds had gone and the horses could get back to work.

The farmer was over the moon, but puzzled. He went back to see the wise-woman, and asked her, "Well, you're obviously very wise, but how come your yeast extract was able to solve a problem that nothing, not even vets and bureaucrats hadn't been able too?"

She smiled, and said, "Ah, it's simple. Yeast is yeast, and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet."

One sunny day on the North Sea a creative little boy was playing in the sand trying to decide what to make. He discovered some Scheiss (you can guess what that is) on the beach so he decided to make a VoPo (People's Policeman). Just as he was finishing, along comes a VoPo, trying to make sure no one swims to Denmark. He decides to ask the little boy what that ugly thing made of Scheiss is. The little boy responds: "It's a VoPo!" So the officer beats him.

The next day, the boy is on the beach making the same creation when that same officer comes along and sees the boy is playing with the Scheiss again, and asks what he is doing. The boy responds "I'm making another VoPo!" So the officer beats him.

The day after that, the officer is strolling the beach, sees the boy playing just with sand, and is glad to see he has switched his medium. So he asks boldly "what are you making today?" The boy responds: "A G.I.!" The officer asks: "And why not a VoPo?" The boy responds: "Couldn't find any Scheiss."

A Musician dies of a heroin overdose, and finds himself in purgatory.
There he meets an angel who is reading a large book with his name on the cover. The angel looks up at the newly-arrived musician and says "Hi, we've been expecting you."

"Where am I ? asks the musician. "In purgatory" the angel answers.
"I've been reading the book of your life, and your good deeds are evenly balanced by your bad deeds."

"So, what's next? asks the musician. "We've decided to let you pick where you are going - heaven or hell. And to help you make up your mind, we're going to give you a glimpse of each."

The angel motions the musician over to a curtain labelled "Heaven." The angel parts the curtain and behind is an idyllic scene of an eternal spring with angelic choirs singing praises to God. The musician surveys the scene and says, "Well, I could hang out there. But... what's hell look like?"

The angel takes him over to the curtain labelled "Hell" and parts the curtain. Inside is a smoke filled room with well dressed people happily talking and dancing. "Well to tell you the truth" says the musician, "I've nothing against heaven, but hell looks like a place that I could really dig."

"No problem", answers the angel. With that, he pulls a unseen lever and the musician falls through a trap door. He lands with a huge splash in a cauldron of boiling blood.

There are screams of eternal agony in the distance. A horrible ugly demon begins poking him in the side with a large trident. "What's this? he cries. "I've been tricked!

The demon replies, "Yeah, I know. But that thing up there sure is a top demo tape, eh?"

are mother in law jokes allowed or banned?

A man is talking to his family doctor. "Doctor, I think my wife's going deaf." "Well here's something you can try on her to test her hearing" the doctor replies.

"Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."

The man thanks the doctor, and sets off home to try it out. He walks in the door and says: "Hi, honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer so he moves closer to her. "What's for dinner honey? Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing right next to her. Finally she answers: "For the dozenth time, we're having bloody CASSEROLE!

One Sunday, a man is working in the garden as his wife gets up and bathes. He is clearing leaves and soon realises that he cannot find his rake. He sees his wife in their bedroom window, so he shouts up, "Where's my rake?"

His wife doesn't understand him and mouths, "What?". Again the man shouts "Where's my rake?" The wife still doesn't understand, so shrugs her shoulders to signify a lack of comprehension.

The man tired of shouting, points to his eye, then his knee and then makes a raking motion with both hands. The wife is still clueless, so shrugs again, to say "What?"

The man repeats the gestures, and mouths eye, knee, the rake as he does so. The wife finally understands and signals her reply. She points to her eye, her left breast, her arse, and finally her crotch.

The man hasn't a clue what she is going on about, so he dashes into the house and runs upstairs. "What the hell was all that about? he asks. The wife replies, "Eye left tit, behind the bush!"

M sends James Bond on a secret mission to heaven. When M doesn't hear from Bond for over a day, she gets worried and calls up heaven.

The Virgin Mary picks up the phone and says , "Virgin Mary speaking"
M asks her if Bond has reached heaven yet. She replies that he hasn't.

M waits for another couple of hours and calls heaven back again. "Virgin Mary speaking," comes the response. "Is James there yet?" asks M. Again the answer is no.

M begins to get worried and after another couple of hours rings heaven back again. "Hello Mary speaking..."

Orgasm Types

Sex with a rower - Oargasm.

Sex after falling out of bed - Floorgasm.

Wet Dream - Snoregasm.

Group Sex - Fourgasm.

Sex for hours and hours - Soregasm.

Cheap sex - Poorgasm.

Noisy sex - Roargasm.

Nymphomaniac sex - Iwantmoregasm.

Sex on the beach - Shoregasm.

Swedish sex - Smorgasborgasm.

Competitive Sex - Scorgasm.

Sex on holiday - Tourgasm.

Sex on the farm - Tractorgasm.

Sex with a Viking - Thorgasm.

Alcohol doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean....on tables, walls and random people.