Jokes

A donkey ate our Christmas tree...which was a pine in the ass.

New regulations say Santa's helpers must wear a seatbelt at all times when they're on the sleigh. It's elfin safety gone mad.

Santa goes to psychiatrist and says: "Doc, I just don't believe in myself"

Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows.

COMPUTER TERMS - TEXAS TRANSLATION:
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time
PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time
WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside
SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season
BYTE: What them dang flies do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof
ENTER: Northerner talk fer "c'mon in, y'all"
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle

A woman wanted to have her large lounge divided into a sitting room and a TV room by means of a partition. The Joiner quoted her £600 cash for the work and she agreed.

He finished the job and asked for the money, but she made an excuse about not being able to get to the bank and said she would pay him Monday.

So he called back Monday and said: "I am here for the partition money." But again she came up with an excuse for not paying him. The situation went on for weeks. He kept calling for his money but she was never able to pay him until eventually, realizing that he was losing patience with her she said: "Look I can pay in kind - oral, doggy whatever you like."

"Missionary will do" he replied.

So she stripped off and lay on the bed. He then stuck one finger up her pussy, and one up her arse and snarled: "Six hundred quid or the partition comes out..."

A man was chatting up a girl in a bar when he leaned closer and said:
"There's something I've wanted to tell you all evening, shit, fuck, bollocks."
"You've got Tourette's?"
"No, my wife's just walked in!"

A girl in a nightclub asked a fat guy at the bar: "Have you got a pen?"
"Yes" he smiled, thinking she was coming onto the them.
"Well" she said. "You'd better get back into it before the farmer notices you're missing."

(I don't think it's real)

Our towns Christmas lights used energy-saving bulbs for the first time. After the big switch-on, we only had to wait two hours to see how pretty it was.

I was mugged by a gang of 15 Santa's last week. I tell you, I saw red.

Whether or not sex is better than pot depends on the pusher.

I recently joined a group called GRD, which stands for British Against Dyslexia