Jokes

A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie. The genie said,” I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only." The man thought about his first wish and decided, “I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account. POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, " I wish I was irresistible to women." POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.

A tactical wife is one who makes sure she spends so much on herself that her husband can't afford another woman.

When David Copperfield was engaged to Claudia Schiffer back in the 1990s, a regular feature of his shows involved asking if anyone in the audience would like to show him a trick.

One night in Las Vegas, a guy in the audience called out: "I would David, but I'm going to need your girlfriend and a table."

"Okay" said Copperfield, and to loud applause, the guy and Claudia Schiffer climbed on stage. He then bent her over the table, pulled down her panties and started screwing her from behind.

Copperfield was furious and yelled: "That isn't a trick!"

"I know" said the guy, grinning from ear to ear. "But it's fucking magic."

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so, a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from just in time to notice a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On his arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. Because she was very attractive, he agreed.
Shortly afterward she said, "I'm about to have dinner--there's plenty. Would you like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal.
As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied. "Only those who catch my eye."

Two ladies were hanging out together and one was depressed. "What's wrong?"
The depressed one replied, "I've been married four times and everyone of my husbands has passed away."
The other lady asked, "What did they used to do?"
The depressed lady replied, "Well, my first husband was a millionaire, the second was a magician, the third was an evangelist, and the fourth was a mortician."
And the other said, "Oh, one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go

How a Girl Should interpret Her New Date's Actions

He insists on going to a brand-new restaurant but gets lost on the way - a virgin.

Can't hail a cab - impotent.

Gets in the car without opening the door for you - no foreplay.

Doesn't give the cabbie a tip - small penis.

Insists on going to a candlelit restaurant - love rat.

Refuses to sit at a window table - love rat.

Takes ages to decide what to order - has trouble reaching orgasm.

Fills up on bread and crackers - premature ejaculator.

Asks what the specials are - will want to use handcuffs.

Asks to change tables - Love rat.

Gives explicit orders to the waiter - will expect incredible gymnastics in bed.

Asks for the "usual" - missionary position only.

Sends food back - will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, then try to borrow money.

Insists on having some of whatever you ordered - will expect you to sleep on the wet spot.

Asks for detailed descriptions of the desserts - needs you to talk dirty during sex.

Uses a toothpick - is trying to tell you size isn't everything.

His credit card is refused - low sperm count.

A man was sunbathing naked on the beach with just his cap placed over his dick, when a woman passed by and said:

"If you were a gentleman, you'd lift your hat to a lady."
He replied: "If you weren't so fucking ugly it would lift itself."


For his 75th birthday a husband was asked by his wife if he wanted a blow job or a hand job. Thinking that his look was in, he replied eagerly: "I'll have the blow job please."

"Good choice" she replied. "If you put that many candles out with your hand, you'd burn your fingers!"

For their 40th wedding anniversary celebration, a husband took his wife to a posh restaurant. But halfway through the meal he surprised her by asking: "Darling, have you ever cheated on me?"

"What a strange question to ask after all these years" she said. "But okay if you must know, yes I cheated on you. Three times."

The husband was taken aback by the revelation but wanted to know the details.

She said: "The first time was when you were twenty-seven. Remember how you wanted to set up in business but no bank would give you a loan? And remember how the bank president came to our house in person to sign the papers? Well..."

Instead of being angry, the husband was deeply moved. "You mean you slept with the president of the bank just so I could start up my own business? That's the kindest thing anyone's ever done for me. So when was the second occasion?"

"Remember when you were forty-five and had a heart attack and no surgeon would operate on you? And then Dr Karlton came all the way up here to carry out the surgery himself, and after you were in good shape again? Well..."

The husband was immensely touched. "So you slept with Dr Karlton to save my life? What a wonderful woman you are! And when was the third time?"

"Remember how in 2011 you really wanted to be president of the golf club? But you were forty-eight votes short?"

Why is the rainforest often called the Brazilian rainforest?
Because deforestation will soon leave it almost completely bare, with just a thin strip of trees running up the middle of it.

Why did the man keep throwing Monopoly money at the stripper?
Because she kept putting fake tits in his face.

A wife texted her husband on a cold morning: "Windows frozen."
He texted back: "Pour lukewarm water over it."
And she texted back: Computer fucked now!"

Two eggs boiling in the pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says, "Look, I've got a crack."
"No good telling me," the male egg replies, "I'm not hard yet."

-------------------------------------------------------------
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About £20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays £100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.