Jokes

A young man moved from his parent's house into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While he was there, a very attractive fit lady came out of her apartment wearing a robe. The young man smiled at the lady and she started up a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor man broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said: "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

She closed the door and leant against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. She purred to the young man: "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally managed to say: "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded and a little hurt, she asked: "My ears? Look at these breasts, they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you possibly think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered: "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me...."

A saw a busker with no arms, singing so badly I paid him a fiver to stop. It was another note he couldn't hold.

The Mother Superior was doing the late-night rounds of the nun's dormitory. "Come along now sisters" she said, "It's 11 o'clock. Candles out." As she closed the door, she heard slurping sounds from all around the room.

A woman went to see a psychiatrist. "Doctor" she said, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac"
"Very well" he replied. "I'll see what I can do to help. My fee is £80 per hour."
She replied: "How much for all night?"

Men's Hopes and Fears During Sex

Stage 1: Kissing/Light Petting

He hopes you're thinking: "Oh, I can't resist. I'm powerless before your heavy seductive aroma."

He fears you're thinking: "Yuk! Garlic breath!

Stage 2: Undressing

He hopes you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of that!"
He fears you're thinking: "My God look at the size of that!"

Stage 3: Foreplay/Oral Sex

He hopes you're thinking: "I could suck his beautiful manhood for hours"
He fears you're thinking: "If he doesn't warn me before he shoots his load, I'll kill him!"

Stage 4: Penetration

He hopes you're thinking: "You stallion, you're splitting me in half!"
He fears you're thinking: "Is it in yet?"

Stage 5: Her Orgasm

He hopes you're thinking: "Yes, Paul, Yes!"
He fears you're thinking: "I deserve an Oscar for this performance!"
He really fears you're thinking: "Yes, Tom, Yes!"

Stage 6: Post-coital Bliss

He hopes you're thinking: "Now I know what an earthquake feels like."
He fears you're thinking: "After that, I'm seriously considering becoming a lesbian."

A number of hotel guests were awoken one night by a furious pounding on the walls of room 205. They called the hotel manager, who let himself into the room, where he found an elderly man cursing and banging away on the wall with both fists.

"Stop that!" the manager ordered. "You're disturbing the entire hotel!"

"Damn the hotel!" yelled the old man. "It's the first erection I've had in years and both my hands are asleep!"

I was on an engineering website forum today, talking to a guy about the advantages of 12mm 1.25 pitch bolt, to which he replied saying he needed information regarding the 8mm 1.5 pitch bolt.

I was in the wrong thread.

A house was raided by cops in a dawn bust. During the search the male occupant was approached by an officer with a sniffer dog. The officer said to him: "This dog tells me you're on drugs."
The man replied: "You reckon I'm on drugs? You're the one who thinks his dog talks to him!"


Breaking news: Riot at seafood restaurant. Dyslexic customer appeals for clam.

I took my tomcats to get neutered today.

No hard felines.
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Why doesn’t Mike Tyson play Playstation?

He’s an Xboxer.
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I’ll tell you who isn’t playing FIFA 14, and that’s Richard Dawkins.

He’s a Pro-Evolution man.

A man wanted to join the Big Dick Club, so he headed down to the club to apply. The female receptionist looked at him sceptically and asked him for the size of his dick.

"Fifteen inches" he said proudly.

Hearing this, she burst out laughing before saying: "I'm sorry sir, you don't measure up to our standards."

With tears of shame running down his face, the man made for the exit but on the way he bumped into a guy using the vending machine.

"What's up? asked the guy spotting his tears.
"I've just been told my dick isn't long enough for me to join the club."
"Oh, right. Well try not to worry about it. The standards here are very high. For example do you see that lump in my sock?"
The man nodded.
"Well, I'm just the janitor."

A husband walked into the living room to find his wife breastfeeding their son. "How long do you have to do that for?" he asked. "When is he too old for it?"

"Well, it's a physical bond between a mother and her child, isn't it? It's only society that deems the practice to be unacceptable above a certain age."

"Shut up, David, I was talking to your mother."