Jokes

An American walked into a London pub and asked for a Budweiser. The barman said: "You're American aren't you?"

"Sure am" the American replied. "How could you tell? Was it the drink I ordered or my accent?"

"Neither" said the barman. It's just that you're the fattest bloke I've ever seen."

^^^

I met a dwarf with one bollock. He was a little testy.


In New York flipping the bird means an offensive gesture using your middle figure. In London, flipping the bird means it's time for anal.


Girlfriend: "You're too immature for me!"
Boyfriend: "If I'm immature, how come I've got an arsfor?
Girlfriend: "What's a arsfor?"
Boyfriend: "Shitting", he replied.

A girl told her boyfriend: "You have to make sacrifices in a relationship". So he went out and slaughtered a goat.

A man went to doctors and told him: "Doctor, I have a golf ball stuck up my arse" The doctor examined him and said: "Hmm. That's up a fair way."

Man: "Doc, I've badly bruised my penis in a surfing accident."
Doctor: "Did you fall off your board?"
Man: "No, when my girlfriend walked in I had to shut my laptop quickly.

Secretary: "I would like to inform you that I have found a new position"
Boss: "Great, what are we waiting for? Let's try it."

What's a mans idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

Why should the roof on a convertible car be called a foreskin?
Because when you pull it back, it reveals the bell-end underneath.

Why can't a blonde waterski?
Because her legs spread the moment her crotch gets wet.

I had a quiet New Year's Eve. Nothing to drink, TV switched off by 8.00pm, then bed with a long sex session to end the night.

I fucking hate prison.

New years resolutions:

1. Lose the fat belly.
2. Learn how to actually cook a decent meal.
3. Get much better in the sack.
4. At least make it look like an effort has been made on appearance.
5. Stop breaking down every time my other half has an affair.

"Okay," sobbed my wife, as I handed over the list I'd made for her.

For my New Year's resolution, I've decided to listen more to women, be more considerate and encourage them to show their true feelings.

Because, apparently, that's the best way to get a fuck.

School Answering Machine Message

To lie about why your child is absent, press 1.

To make excuses why your child did not do his/her homework press 2.

To swear at staff members, press 3.

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several letters posted to you, press 4.

To request another teacher, for the third time this year, press 5.

To complain about not being able to park your 4x4 directly outside the school gates, press 6.

To shop your child, press 7.

To complain that your child has got food poisoning from school lunches, press 8.

To apologize for your behaviour at parent's evening, press 9.

If you want us to bring up your child, press 0.

Some more New Year's Jokes

The wife is going out tonight.
"See you next year!" She merrily shouted as she left the door.
I opened the window as she was strolling down the street and shouted,
"Tell me that in approximately three and a half hours and I'll be so happy!"

6.30pm on New Year's Eve and my Welsh mate texted me 'Blwyddyn Newydd Dda'

He's started fucking early!

I've made a new years resolution to give up masturbating.
I might need a helping hand though.

I've done a lot of stupid shit in my life,

but at least I've never signed up at the gym in January.