Jokes

A blonde and a brunette were talking in the office. The blonde complained that she had a sore throat.

"When I have a sore throat" said the brunette, "I give my husband a blow job, and the next day my throat feels so much better. You should try it."

"Ok" said the blonde. "I will." The next day at work, the brunette asked the blonde how her throat was.
"Fine" said the blonde. "Your suggestion was great. Your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!"

When a man told his wife he was looking for cheap flights on the internet, she got very excited, which he thought was odd as she'd never shown an interest in darts before.

An X-ray specialist married one of his patients. Everybody wondered what he saw in her.

If a sewage worker wins the lottery, does he become part of the effluent society.

At any time, the temptation to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is never more than a whim away.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

When signing a letter with "Regards" remember that the T and G key are very close!

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is: don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.

Mix your metaphors, it's not rocket surgery.

Rats are under rated. Just check your dictionary.

I met this girl and Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

"What do we want?"
"A cure for dyslexia."
"When do we want it?"
"Own."

2B or not 2B. That is the pencil.

Puns are bad, but poetry is verse.

They are fastidious couple. She’s fast and he’s hideous.

If FedEx and UPS merged, would they be called 'Fed UP Sex'.

I have a bit of advice for hungry young comedians – eat something.

How did I escape Iraq? Iran

I stopped to pick a buttercup. Why people leave buttocks lying around, I've no idea.

I first performed stand-up when I was eleven months old.

Last year at the beginning of August, we planted our first bulb and at Christmas we had the most charming little bedside lamp.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Plant puns: Weed 'em and reap.

This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from vegetarian club. I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.

Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven, where they were met by St Peter and his obedient angel. St Peter told the girls:
"Before entering you must answer one simple question."
"Which is....?" they replied in unison."

"Have you been a good girl? he asked the first girl.
"Oh yes" she said. "I was a virgin before I got married, and was still a virgin even after I got married."
"Very good" said St Peter. "Angel, give this girl....the golden key."

St Peter then asked the second girl: "Have you been a good girl?"
"Quite good" she said. "I was a virgin before I got married, but was not after I got married."
"Very good" said St Peter. "Angel, give this girl the.... silver key."

Finally St Peter asked the third girl: "Have you been a good girl?"
"Not at all" she said. "I practically had sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime, that was my motto. I was a real slut."
"Very good" said St Peter. "Angel, give this girl....my room key."

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

Did you hear about the man who threw snow on his neighbour's driveway and yelled: "Now do you get my drift?"

Who is the most popular woman at a nudist colony?
The one who can eat the last two doughnuts.

At the age of 75, my uncle said he was bisexual. He was saying bye to sex.

Sign in a pet shop window: Free legless parrot. No perches necessary.