Jokes

I'm going to sell my hoover....it's just collecting dust

I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg, I said, "I bet I know what your favourite Christian holiday is" he said, "You have to love Easter, baby!"

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of world capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of London?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: L."

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said,

"You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation......

And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.

A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

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Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees?
Because they’re really good at it.

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Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?
Because he was too far out man!

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I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.

If you call your show Heir Hunters, you should have at least one episode where Prince Charles is chased in a forest by men with crossbows.

What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?




A Seatbelt

Q.How do you catch a squirrel?

A. Climb into a tree and act like a nut.
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I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.

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What if there were no hypothetical situations?

Patient: Doctor, doctor. I've come out in spots like cherries on a cake.

Doctor: Ah, you must have analogy.

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“I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”

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“A man walks into a chemist’s and says, ‘Can I have a bar of soap, please?’ The chemist says, ‘Do you want it scented?’ And the man says, ‘No, I’ll take it with me now.’”