Jokes

I reluctantly decided to take up anger-management classes & speaking to my therapist she advised me to take up ten-pin bowling as she said it was very theraputic.Suffice to say it turned out right up my alley.

What is a creché?
A posh car crash!

I went into the cake shop earlier, bloke said "all cakes £1."

I said "Can I get that one?"

"£2." He replied.

"£2?" I asked.

He said "aye, that's Madeira cake."

I tried to eat a clock once but had to stop as it was far too time consuming.

A Priest walks up to a convicted murderer sitting in an electric chair awaiting execution and asks him "Do you have any last requests?".To which the murderer replies "yes can we hold hands".

A man walked into a bar and said;

"Ouch, that hurt".

I walked in on my girlfriend last week putting on the old war paint/make-up & she asked me to pass her the lipstick but by mistake I accidently passed her a glue-stick.
Suffice to say she remained tight-lipped & hasn't spoken to me since.

Apparently the Viagra pill makers have brought out Viagra Eye-Drops.The companies marketers have said it is apparently used to help you look hard.

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"
oldy but still makes me laugh

I started a business selling Japanese bonsai trees.

It's been so successful I've had to move to smaller premises