Jokes

What do you call an Elf who just won the lottery..? W-Elf-hy..!

Where does an Elf get his broken arm fixed..? On the NES .. National Elf Service..!

What happened to the pixie that drunk too much?
It got pixie-lated!

Elf's favourite film 'Gnome Alone'

Me: "Son, you're adopted".

Son: "Wow really? I'd never have guessed!".

Me: "I'm glad you're taking this so well. Anyway go pack your bags, your new parents will be here in 10 minutes".

Not wishing to sound like The Grinch or anything but I fucking hate Christmas but it's mostly because of all the shit presents I used to receive throughout my childhood from my miserly parents.One year I remember fondly seeing a huge parcel by the Christmas Tree with a label attached to it 'The Best Christmas Present Ever !'.After spending 10 minutes or so tearing through a multitude of boxes that resembled a Russian Doll I eventually found my present...a broken drum.

- It just couldn't be beaten.

I was doing a spot of late Christmas shopping at the weekend when I got approached by a prostitute who said "I'll do anything for £30!" so I got her to decorate my house.

Why can't a bicycle stand upright on it's own - Because it is always two tired.

When I got home late last night on Christmas Eve on greeting the girlfriend I handed her a lovely bunch of flowers to which she sarcastically commented "Huh, I suppose I better open my legs for those!".I replied "They would look much better in a vase!".

A bunch of scumbags stole 10 crates of Red Bull from the local shop last night.

I don’t know how these bastards sleep at night...

My mate has been struck off the Medical Register. He did the unforgivable deed of falling in love and having sex with one of his patients.

Terrible shame, as he is a cracking fella and the best vet for miles around.

Did you hear about the hipster who burnt his lips?

Apparently he was drinking tea before it was cool.