Jokes

A man without arms & legs was sitting by the riverbank crying his eyes out when a young woman approached him & asked him if he was okay."No" said the man "I've never hugged anyone in my life & always wondered what it felt like".so as a huge act of kindness the woman gives him the biggest hug ever & asked him if he felt better. "Not really" said the man "I've never kissed a woman before & always wondered what it would be like".The woman plants the sloppiest of wet kisses on the man's lips & asked if he felt better to which the man replies "No I've never been fucked before".To which the woman picks up the limbless man & chucks him in the river & says "well you have now!".

I love jokes about eyes.

The cornea the better.

A shipment of TV controllers have been found on a remote island.

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean.

During class, a teacher trying to
teach good manners, asks
the students: "Students, If you
were on a date, having
supper with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that
you have to go to the bathroom?
Michael?"
Michael: "Just a minute, I have to
go pee."
Teacher: "That would be rude and
impolite!!!
Teacher: "What about you Peter?
How would you say it?"
Peter: "I am sorry, but I really
need to go to the bathroom,
I'll be right back."
Teacher: "That's better, but it's
still not very nice to say
the word bathroom at the dinner
table. And you Little
Johnny, are you able to use your
intelligence for once and
show us your good manners?"
Johnny: "I would say: 'Darling,
may I please be excused for
a moment? I have to shake hands
with a very dear friend
of mine, who I hope you'll get to
meet after supper."

My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

Just heard a woodpecker call me a paranoid twat in Morse Code.

What do you call a man in a suit, sat in a tree?

The branch manager.