Jokes

I received the terrible news earlier today that my uncle unfortunately perished when a Grand Piano fell on top of him.The whole family agreed that his funeral was going to be very low key.

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them: I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life," He then turns to the young man and asks, "can you top that?"
The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

I said to my dad's sister, "you're related to me, aunt you?"

Three men were sitting in the pub discussing how they named their son's after they were born on significant days.One man said "our son was born on March 17th so we named him Patrick after St Patricks Day.The second man chipped in & said "our son was born on Boxing Day (December 26th) so we named him Stephen after St Stephens Day". The third man piped up & said "our son was born on Shrove Tuesday so we named him pancake".

I just wanted to issue a warning the man on crutches dressed in camouflage who stole my wallet from my back pocket."You can hide but you can't run!!".

My grandad would often tell me how much safer the world used to be when he was younger so much so everyone could leave their back doors open.It probably also explains how he sank his submarine.

This probably the naughtiest sort of joke I know and a friend of mine told it to me years and years ago so here goes-stick with it-It's a bit like a reverse Janet and John story book.
A man got on a bus
A Woman got on a bus
I got on a bus

The man put his arm around the woman
The woman put her arm around the man
I read a newspaper

The man got off the bus
The woman got off the bus
I got off to follow them

The man went into a house
The woman went into the house
I looked through the outside window

The man kissed the woman
The woman kissed the man
I kept looking through the window

The man went upstairs
The woman went upstairs
I went and found a ladder

The man got undressed
The woman got undressed
I went up the ladder

The man got into bed
The woman got into bed
I looked in through the window

The man opened his legs and thrust inside the woman
The woman opened her legs to accommodate the man
I opened my legs...and fell down the fucking ladder!

At a recent job interview I was asked if I could perform under pressure.

I said I didn’t know that one but I could have a fair crack at Bohemian Rhapsody.

Decided to put my hoover up for sale today.

All it was doing was gathering dust.

Did you know that a bowl of Irish bean soup contains exactly 239 beans?

If it has one more it will be too farty.