Jokes

I think i would like a job cleaning mirrors, it's just something I could really see myself doing.

A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners

The lady says, "Come Again!"

The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

Did you hear about the sperm bank that exploded?

Apparently it was a sticky situation to get out of

What should you do if you come across an elephant?

Apologize and wipe it off.

What do you call a guy who cries when he masturbates?

A tearjerker.

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children.

After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children.

A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away.

At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together."

Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?"

The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

A man is walking down the street, when he notices that his grandfather is sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" the man exclaims.

The old man looks off in the distance and does not answer his grandson.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asks again.

The old man slyly looks at him and says, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"

Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.

A man and his blonde wife are lying in bed trying to sleep but the neighbor’s dog won’t stop barking.

The blonde decides she has had enough. She jumps out of bed ans says, “I’m not going to listen to that dog bark all night in the neighbor’s backyard”. She goes downstairs and after several minutes she returns to bed.

When she gets to bed the husband says, “Honey, the dog is still barking, what did you do down there?”. The blonde replies, “I put the dog in our backyard, let’s see how they like it!”

Just thought of a great owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.

Very funny horse joke

Jack strode into ‘John’s Stable’ looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said John, “I’ve got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream heyhey the way to get him to go is to scream Thank God. Jim nodded his head, “fine with me, can I take him for a test run?” Jim was having the time of his life this horse sure could run he thought to himself. Jim was speeding down the dirt road when he suddenly saw a cliff up ahead “stop!” screamed Jim, but the horse kept on going. No matter how much he tried he could not remember the words to get it to stop. “yoyo” screamed Jim but the horse just kept on speeding ahead. It was 5 feet from the cliff when Jim suddenly remembered “heyhey!” Jim screamed. The horse skidded to a halt just 1 inch from the cliff. Jim could not believe his good fortune, he looked up to the sky, raised his hands in the air, breathed a deep sigh of relief and said with conviction “Thank God.”