RUsure, after my last post, I laid asleep in my pig sty and mused on something you posted to Terence:
(17-06-2015 17:48 )RUsure Wrote: Logical consistency and evidential demonstrations are the only weapons that can alter my views.
And I thought, perhaps I was wrong to mock you through parody. Perhaps you aren't some strange internet conspiracy nut who has some pet theory which he drones on about and provides no evidence to backup his claims with, only his own prurient wishes and pseudo-intellectual ramblings combined with some misplaced sense of intellectual and moral superiority over other forum members,
perhaps...against all the odds...
You.ARE.
**Right**.
Perhaps rather than prattling on endlessly on the forums like a basement dwelling fruit-basket clinging to a wafer-thin pet theory which with no evidence with a Sepp Blatter like messiah-complex, I set out to ACT!
You wanted evidence.
I'D GET YOU EVIDENCE.
The next flight to the Studio66 studios from the international airport 10 minutes trot from my pig-sty mansion left in 4 hours. I had to think and pork fast.
I donned my trademark black polo short and cargo pants, how they had seen such action when I was Commander in Chief during the great cosmic squid invasion of Cleethorpes back in 1998. So many lives lost, so many tasty calamari rings that we ate in remembrance of the brave many fallen who'd lost their lives.
After phoning close personal friend of Richard Dean Anderson who was MacGuyver for many years in his award winning documentary series, we hatched a plan so cunning it defied belief. I would be put in a crate disguised as a pre-roasted suckling pig an sent to the Studio66 as a present for one of the girls from a paypig follower on twitter (even I chuckled at the irony).
After my personal driver drove my Ferrari to the airport to deliver the 'cargo', I was inside perfecting the disguise, by smothering myself in lard and BBQ sauce (not too dissimilar to erotic bath night at Pork Towers with some participating harem of lucky ladies), and made careful preparations to hide my face though a zorro-style face-mask, as I'm well known to security teams across the babe-channels for my infamous "Lust Letters" penned in crayon and with crude yet highly explicit diagrams and descriptions and my ability to douse the babes with 4 gallons of the finest pig semen from my rifle-length member and voluminous testicles from 100m away with sniper like aim.
(Oh happy days in the local park before the court orders...)
The plan worked perfectly, I was delivered and opened and wheeled to the cafeteria, where they left me to carefully and quietly dismantle the rotisserie stand and using my sword-swallowing skills taught to me my master wizard Paul Daniels, remove the spit from my entire body without injury.
It was at this point my heart sank. I forgot my camera and voice recorder.
in the enjoyment of basting myself with layers of lard and sauce, I left my high resolution DLR camera and Dictaphone at home.
"Mange-Too Rodders!" I thought to myself. (I often quote lines from Only Fools and Horses to keep me calm, a super-secret technique taught to me by the Chuckle Brothers on a night out in Redruth).
I would have to carry on regardless and rely on my perfect memory to record the evidence, that you, RuSure, savior of the babechannels and intellectual genius among men (but not in a gay way), demand from us, the lowly and pathetic forum members who have the temerity to point out your bat-shit insane ideas as merely bat-shit insanity.
I crept about the studio being careful not to be spotted by crew or babes, the smell was thick with the luscious perfume of the babes who were performing, I could hear muffled phone conversations from one to a caller, I could make out some of the highly erotic conversations;
"I disagree with you caller. Max Euwe was the better chess grand master because he was noted for his logical approach and for his knowledge of the openings, in comparison with Alekhine, Euwe strode confidently into some extraordinarily complex variations if he thought logic was on his side; and he was extremely good at calculating these variations. On the other hand he often lacked the stamina to pull himself out of bad positions, which was one of Alekhine's strengths. But let's dispense with the foreplay, how may you wish to fornicate with me?"
Kandi certainly knows how to make her money.
I had to restrain myself from bursting into the changing room with fevered sounds of the girls on break, enjoying themselves, I had to think of the mission, what would RuSure think If I'd bottled it now and burst into the changing room and carnally cavorted with the babes.
At least I wouldn't be a misogynist.
I wandered for hours, doubt crept in, I starting to think "what's the fucking point, why does this matter", to which a holy voice, which I can only imagine was your god-like, other-worldly voice entered me (but NOT in a gay way) and said "
because some bloke on the internet has an idea he insists is right, so it can't be wrong".
Powerful stuff!
I redoubled my efforts, until I found a secret door that was light in neon lights with the sign "AFROMAN's BIG MISOGYNISTIC GAY SECRET HIDING ROOM TO UNDERMINE ALL THE BABE CHANNELS AND HUMANITY".
What this the place? I had to try...
I used my snout to carefully open the door, suddenly a voice came from inside "Come in honey, all are welcome here..."
My cover plan blown, I remained as composed as a pig smothered in melting lard and BBQ sauce wearing a black polo shirt and cargo pants can be when confronted with the sight I saw.
There was Afroman, dressed in a diamond sequined full length body dress the like of which drag acts work their whole lifes to earn. His hair in rollers, and as I gazed around the lavender scented room while his pink DAB radio played The Weathergirl's hit "It's Raining Men", the wall was full of posters of gay icons of the last decade, George Michael, Freddie Mercury, Elton John, Julian Clary and Eamon Holmes.
"I recognise you" he said applying another gorgeous thick layer of hot pink lipstick to his shiny glistening lips.
"Oh really?" I replied
"I remember your bad-ass FAB-U-LOUS stud bod from such invisible wars as the 1998 Great cosmic squid invasion of Cleethorpes, the 1995 sherbet spaceship siege of Rhyll and the 2012 Zombie Dachshund infestation of Ashby-de-la-Zouch"
"You remember correctly Afroman, but forget the pleasantries, you must know why I'm here...."
"Yes, you are here to prove RuSure's theory that I am secretly gay, hate women and plan to undermine the babechannels, pornography and then enslave humanity through boring soft-porn phone in shows on every channel, 24/7, 365 days a year!"
"You fiend! So...it's....it's...true....but...why?" I oinked in fear and confusion in a William Shatner style.
"Oh you know...stuff and things"
"My goodness, it all makes sense! I would never have guessed that motive in ten thousand years!!"
"So you can tell RUSure that he is RIGHT, I'M 100% GAY, HATE WOMEN AND DO PLOT THE DOWNFALL OF THE BABECHANNELS AND FURTHER MORE I'M MADE, IMPLAUSIBLY, OF SHERBERT AND EXTRA GAY LIQUORICE."
"Wow, so he's not a weirdo then?"
"Nope"
"Are you sure, because, y'know a lot of people didn't believe in his crazy ideas he would ramble on about, and it's not something that even a great majority of the forum members actually care about or think could even possibly be true"
"Honestly Porker, he's one of the greatest intellectuals the world and the babechannels forums have EVER seen, I can say with ABSOLUTELY no sarcasm in my voice, because as we all know, 100% gay people, like me, can't EVER be sarcastic."
"So..one more time....he's not a deranged lunatic?"
"No Porker, he's a babechannel Jesus. We knew this day would come when RuSure would expose the terrible truth"
"We...?"
"Yes, me, the cabal of OFCOM reverse vampires and Boris the giant immortal hedgehog from Mars, knew of RuSure's tireless work to reveal this terrible and highly implausible conspiracy"
"Well...I'm here to stop you!!" I announced, my back hair brisling with kind of Dunkirk spirit Churchill would often drink.
"Haha, you pathetic yet studly FAB-U-LOUS fool, you're just an hyper-intelligent, super virile pig covered in lard and BBQ sauce, you can't hope to stop the super-complicated, byzantine plan we have set in motion over 5 years ago, I mean...you can't possibly think I would confess my plan if you had any chance of affecting it's outcome??"
I stopped, a lump formed in my throat. He was right, I am just a pig dripping with melted lard and Fortum & Mason's finest BBQ sauce. What **could** I do?
"Well...that's disappointing I must say, well, good luck to you Afroman, although the babechannel forums members won't forgive you for this!"
"Aww, well, that's super, it's a free country y'know and despite the thousand and one real issues affecting the world, I'm sure RuSure will galvanise the forum about this tiny and pathetic idea as it's clearly vastly more important that everything else about the Babechannels and I love every last member of the forums, even RuSure, as I'M 100% GAY, I mean you all no ill-will"
"Alright, well that's reassuring and surprisingly pleasant for an evil genius"
"That's quite alright Porker, at the end of the day we are all going to die, arguably rendering all human endeavour ultimately pointless doesn't it? Especially over whether one employee of a soft-porn phone in show is SOMEHOW orchastrating the down of similar enterprise by being Gay..somehow. But I must be away, I'm due to board AirForce One in mid flight over Carlisle to play strip poker and fuck George Bush, Barack Obama and One Direction...as I'M 100% GAY, which I can't emphasise enough to you and to the babechannel forum members."
And before I could say "Jack Robinson", he'd deftly put on a jet-pack and rocketed his way to the ceiling as it opened, Thunderbirds style.
As I watched the rainbow coloured jet-trail of his sequined Louis Vuitton backpack die out in the darkness of the night sky. I wondered whether I was wasting my life. Then I thought about painting silly faces onto boiled eggs with a sharpie pen, which made me smile.
Sadly my meditation on painting faces on eggs was disturbed as I was grabbed and rudely man-handled out of the studio in a gay way (Afroman's gay propaganda had clearly taken hold across Studio66), as I struggled in vain to escape their gay clutches, I saw the most awful extra revelation, that the babes we see on screen were ACTUALLY anatomically precise android replicas, made, implausibly, of wood and mechanically recovered chicken, coloured in flesh tones, controlled by lever pulling, dim-witted Gerbils.
So that's why they are so slow and unresponsive!!
The real babes were locked in cages with each other and driven to fervent, super horny, sexual lesbianism by Afroman's misogynistic, anti-sex, gay propaganda. They were forced to endure hours and days of incredible, hot, steamy, relentless Lesbian sex until they passed out to recover, their only escape from the obvious hell of being prisoners inside Studio66's new Afroman led Gay Dictatorship.
How they must suffer...
I was carefully placed straight into a paid-for cab home with £100 spending money and, to add to my injury, a complimentary hamper of samples from the worlds finest hair products and perfumers, a box of carb-free phallic shaped cinnamon flavoured danish pastries and a copy of Attitude magazine.
I cried into my phallic pastries all the way home.
And that RuSure, is what *****REALLY***** happened and I hope that my water-tight, irrefutable personal testimony,
a kind of evidence, has convinced you that you were right all along.
I'm sure you'll be relieved that your view, no matter how bizarre, has now been vindicated, from the mouth of your nemesis no-less.
I'm happy not to take any credit for bringing you this personal victory, I can only hope you'll celebrate by walking out into the sunlight and breathing a sigh of relief that your dogged determine to expose this has been finally been achieved and think how your life can now change for the better.
May statues of you be erected (not in a gay way) in the country where only one man had the courage to stand up and believe in a bat-shit insane theory about something the great majority of people both inside and outside the babechannel forums wouldn't give a shit about let alone believe.
May you be granted a knighthood, a royal pardon, a small paradise island filled with nothing gay and be revered forever by all of us on the forums (not in a gay way) by next Tuesday. Amen.
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