Favourite TV & Film Quotes & Dialogue

Jingle All the way (1996)

Howard Langston: [to Ted on the phone] What the ....who told you that you could eat my cookie!!!


Howard Langston: [shouts to Ted on the phone] PUT THAT COOKIE DOWN......... NOW!!!!!!!


Jamie Langston: Hello?
Howard Langston: Jamie, how you doing, old buddy.
Jamie Langston: Hi, dad I knew you call.
Howard Langston: Hey, listen let me talk to mother!
Jamie Langston: You can't
Howard Langston: Why not?
Jamie Langston: She's next door petting Ted
Howard Langston: [total disbelief] She's what!!

A Few Good Men (1992) - "ask me nicely..."

Alfie (1966)

"The thing I like about Ruby, she's a mature woman. When she gets hold of you, you can feel a lifetime of experience in her fingers. Know what I mean? I find I'm going in more for that sort of woman these days"

Alfie (Michael Caine) talking about Ruby (Shelley Winters) one of his sexual conquests.

Rush Hour (1998)

[Carter has ordered Chinese takeout]
Carter: Damn, Chin, this is some greasy shit. You ain't got no better food, like some chicken wings, some baby back ribs, some fries or something?
Chin: Chinese food, no soul food here!
Carter: I didn't say nothin' 'bout no soul food, I said you got some better food. I don't want that greasy shit. How you gonna sell a big box of grease?
[Chin conplains in Chinese]
Carter: [turns cross] I'm chilly a what?
Lee: [grabs Carter] Come on!
Chin: I'm no punk bitch.
Carter: I ain't no punk bitch, neither!
Chin: I'M no punk bitch!
Carter: I'm about to knock that hat off your head, Chin


Waitress: For one?
Carter: No, for two, I'm here for a meeting with Mr. Juntao.
Waitress: I'm sorry I do not know Mr. Juntao.
Carter: Look maybe you don't understand, I'm Mr. Juntao's lawyer, legal advisor, he got into some shit again and he told me to come down here and I'm a very busy man, ain't got time to be down here this late but I'm down here, my wife want me to come home, my baby is shittin' all over the house, he needs diapers, would you please go get Mr. Juntao?
Waitress: But I've already told you I don't know Mr, Junta....
Carter: Look, you think I came down here for nothing, you gonna give me some gas money! You got $5 on you. Would you please tell Mr, Juntao to get his ass down here then [that Chinese menu] thank you!


[Carter is riding in a tow truck pulling up to the Consulate; he meets the guard whose ass Lee kicked earlier]
Carter: Hey, man, y'all see a little Asian dude about this height with a steering wheel on his arm?
FBI Gate Guard #1: Go screw yourself.
Carter: What did you say?
FBI Gate Guard #1: I said go screw yourself.
Carter: You take your little sensitive ass up there and let me in. Get out of the way! Don't make me get up out of this truck! Man when I get up in there I'm slappin' somebody, I don't play that.


Carter: We have just received a threat on the building. We ask if you please exit the building as soon as possible and please do not panic.
[dead silence]
Carter: [shouts] Did you hear what I just said? Get your shit and go out the door!

Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000)

Buddy Love: Well, if it isn't Professor Sherman Klump the inventor of Jumbo the Horny hamster!
Dean Richmond: Please.....
Sherman Klump: Buddy, I am SICK, and I am TIRED, of your S-H...
Dean Richmond: I.
Sherman Klump: Thank you. T-E!
Buddy Love: Oh, ho-ho-ho. My shite? , Oh really so what gonna do about it, Sham-moo, huh.
Sherman Klump: I'll show you what I'm gonna do [gets out a tennis ball]
Buddy Love: I ain't got no time to play no games with your ass, Sherman. Let me tell you......
Sherman Klump: You know how to play a bit of catch, don't ya huh
Buddy Love: Ohhhh... you bastard!!!!!

The Simpsons, Season 8, Episode 23, Homer's Enemy

Grimes: Simpson, you've got a 513. (Homer looks at his watch) No, a 513. In your procedures manual - a 513? (Homer looks at his watch again) Look at your control panel.

Homer: Oh, a five THIR-teen. I'll handle it. ( He calmly takes out a bucket of water and pours it on the console. Causing it to short out and silences the alarms) That got it.

(Grimes looks on in horror)

Next Friday (2000)

Day-Day: Roach, if Pinky catches you doing that X-Games shit on the counter, we both gon' be fired!
African: [walking in store] Motherfuckers. You motherfuckers! What the fuck is this? You motherfuckers!
Day-Day: Can I help you, sir?
African: Yes, what is this? Huh? This is whack! I can't get jiggy with this shit! Where's your damn manager, that pink motherfucker?
Day-Day: The manager's not here. I'm running the store right now.
African: You look like the playa-hater who sold me this shit. Give me back my damn money right now, and I don't have no damn receipt.
Day-Day: Do you have the cover, sir?
African: I don't have no damn cover! Kiss my ass, so what?
Day-Day: Can I see it sir?
[looks at CD]
Day-Day: What, were you chewing on this shit before you got here?
African: Bullshit, motherfucker! Do you know who you are fucking with?
Day-Day: Bishop Desmond Tutu?
African: Try again, motherfucker!
Day-Day: Winnie Mandela's lil'...
African: Try *again*, motherfucker!
Day-Day: Just an ugly ass black dude.
African: I'll go *postal* in this motherfucker!
Day-Day: Man, you better take your hostile black ass outta here!
African: [knocks down CD stand as Craig walks in] Ol' biatch...
[Craig shoves him into CD rack]
African: Oh, shit! Please, don't hurt me! Please! This's John Blaze; I can get jiggy with this!
Craig: Get your ass up outta here!

Out for Justice (1999)

Detective Gino Felino NYPD: Anybody seen Richie? Anybody know why Richie did Bobby Lupo?

Vinnie Madano: Are you totally fucking nuts or what! You could of killed somebody upstairs.
Detective Gino Felino NYPD: "But there ain't nobody upstairs!"
Vinnie Madano: "There ain't nobody upstairs"! How would you know? What you do? Bust in the joint.

Tattoos: Hey, fuck-face you wanna get by me, there only two things stopping ya; fear and common sense and I'm gonna cut your fucking head off [tries attacking Gino, who counters and hit Tattoos with a white snooker ball]

Tattoos: Motherfucker, you knocked my teeth out!
[Gino hits him again]

Detective Gino Felino NYPD: Vinnie hey buddy, I wanna talk to your brother, man
Vinnie Madano: He doesn't want to talk to you, you self scumbag!! [reaches for a pistol under the bar, which Gino grabs, Gino then slams the bar's hatchway on Vinnie's hand, who yells in pain]
Detective Gino Felino NYPD: [angry] Now, you tell your brother, I'm gonna cut off his head and piss down his throat.
Vinnie Madano: FUCK YOU!!!!!!
Detective Gino Felino NYPD: Hey! [slams Vinnie's face head face onto the bar, breaking Vinnie's nose]

Family Guy: Season 1: Mind over matter.

[Lois is dreaming while watching the dishes. Stewie throws his bottle at her]

Stewie: Damn you woman, awake from your damnable reverie!
Lois:[sighs] Honey I'm doing the dishes.
Stewie [sarcastically]Oh well a thousand pardons for disrupting your flatware sanitation ritual, but you see I'm in searing pain! [points to his mouth]
Lois: Oh, you're just teething Stewie, it's a normal part of a baby's life.
Stewie: Very well then. I order you to kill me at once!
Lois: Oh honey, I know you're hurting, but Mommy has to clean up the house, all right?
Stewie: No its not alright! For the love of God, shake me, shake me like a British Nanny!