Favourite TV & Film Quotes & Dialogue

The Simpsons, Season 9, Episode 12, Bart Carny

Chief Wiggum: I hate to interrupt your fun, boys, but I got a few complaints that your game is crooked.
Homer: Heh-heh, and how.
Chief Wiggum: Gee, I hate to close you down, maybe we can reach a little, uh...understanding here.
Homer: [lifelessly] I understand.
Bart: Um, hey, Dad, I think he wants...
Homer: Not right now, son, Daddy is talking to the policeman.
Chief Wiggum: Lemme put it this way. I'm looking for my friend Bill. Have you seen any Bills around here?
Homer: [still not getting Chief Wiggum's point] No. He's Bart.
Chief Wiggum: Argh. Listen carefully and watch me wink as I speak, okay?
Homer: Okay.
Chief Wiggum: The guy I'm really looking for, wink, is Mr. Bribe, wink wink.
Homer: [still not understanding anything] It's a ring toss game.
Chief Wiggum: Alright, that's it, I'm shutting this game down!


Homer: Carnies took over our house, you've got to help us!
Chief Wiggum: Well, well, well. Look who's here, Mr. No-Bribe! Sure, we'll help you, just sit down and wait for Detective Like-I-Give-A-Damn!
Homer: Thank you so much!
Lisa: Dad?
Homer: Honey, Daddy's waiting for the detective.

8 Mile (2002)

Jimmy Smith Jr: Man that's all we ever do is talk shit!
[imitating Sol]
Jimmy Smith Jr: "We need to get fine btiches and fat rides",
[imitating DJ]
Jimmy Smith Jr: "No, what weed to do is put our money in savings bonds",
[imitating future]
Jimmy Smith Jr: No, what we need to do is put our songs on JLB." Man shut the fuck up. All of us never do shit about nuttin' and we're still broke as fuck and living at home with our moms.

American Dad, Season 1, Episode 6, Roger Codger

Bullock: Sit down Smith. (Referring to Roger) Our analysists have confirmed that this is none other than the alien that escaped from Area 51, four years ago.
(Spits coffee in someone's eyes)
Man #1: Ah! My eyes!
Stan: He's alive.
Bullock: Naturally, recapturing this fugitive is our top priority. Then we can track down the bastards that have been harboring it and punish them brutally.
(Stan spits coffee at someone again) I mean really brutally. Weird stuff. Butt stuff. (Stan spits coffee at someone again) Somebody take Smith's coffee.

The Naked Gun

Mayor: Drebin, I don't want any more trouble like you had last year on the southside. Understand? That's my policy.

Frank Drebin: Yes. Well when I see five weirdo's dressed in togas, stabbing a guy in the middle of the park, in full view of 100 people, I shoot the bastards that's my policy.

Mayor: That was a Shakespeare in the Park production of Julius Caesar you moron! You killed 5 actors! Good ones!

Mayor - Nancy Marchand
Frank Drebin - Leslie Neilson

The Hurt Locker (2008)

Sergeant JT Sanborn: Hey, James [punches him] Never turn your headset off again.

Colonel Reed: [points] You the guy in the bomb suit.
Specialist Owen Eldridge: Ah no sir. Sir, that's Sergeant James, he's right here [calls] Hey, James
Sergeant First Class William James: Yep!
Specialist Owen Eldridge: Someone here to see you.
Sergeant First Class William James: Oh, shit.
Colonel Reed: You the guy in the flaming guy, Sergeant James.
Sergeant First Class William James: Good afternoon, Sir.. er, yes Sir.
Colonel Reed: Well, that just [pauses] hot shit! Your a wild man, you know that [turns to the other soldiers] he's a wild man you know that. I wanna to shake your hand.
Sergeant First Class William James: Thank you, Sir.
Colonel Reed: Yeah. How many bombs have you disarmed.
Sergeant First Class William James: Err... I'm not quite sure, Si-
Colonel Reed: Sergeant!
Sergeant First Class William James: Yes, Sir.
Colonel Reed: I'd asked you a question.
Sergeant First Class William James: [pauses] eight, hundred and seventy three.
Colonel Reed: eight... hundred and seventy three, eight hundred and seventy three. That's just hot shit. Eight hundred and seventy three.

Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999)

Extra Foam Deleted Scene

Dr. Evil: Ladies and gentlemen, I had a plan. I have develp-
[Before Dr. Evil can continue his conversion, a male Starbucks coffee employee standing across from Number Two, turns on a steamed coffee machine, drowning out whatever Dr. Evil was going to say.]
Dr. Evil [after the coffee machine stops, he looks over to Scott] No, nothin.
[Scott just gives him an odd look]
Dr. Evil: Ladies and gentlemen, I've develp-
[Dr. Evil speech is once again interrupted by the male Starbucks coffee employee who turns on the steamed coffee machine on again; Dr. Evil is clearly losing his patience now]
Dr. Evil: [after the male Starbucks employee turns off the steamed coffee machine] Number Two. If that happens once more, I'm gonna have your balls for breakfast, okay. Yeah. Denny style. Okay!

The Simpson, Season 9, Episode 16 – Dumbbell Indemnity

Homer: "Hawaii? What about Hawaii? Moe? Who's going to Hawaii?! Am I going to Hawaii?"
Chief Wiggum (knocks on Homer's cell bars with a nightstick): "Stop saying Hawaii in there!"

Homer (Pleading): Let me out, I'm innocent. I change my mind. I don't want to be in here anymore!
Chief Wiggum: Forget it, Simpson. Your going to chair.
(Homer gasps in horror)
Chief Wiggum: The interrogation chair!
(Homer breaths a sigh of relief)
Chief Wiggum: Plug it, boys!
(Homer gasps again in horror)

Homer: "Hmm, I don't know… I can just imagine what Marge would say!"
Marge: (In Homer's imagination) "Homer, I insist you steal that car!"
Homer: "I'll do it!"

Homer: Must kill Moe....weeeeee! Must kill Moe.....weeeee

Bruce Almighty (2003)

Bruce: [breaking out of a freeze] Hi, Susan!
Grace: Oh, thank you, God.
Bruce: Bruce Nolan here, aboard the Maid of the Mist in fabulous Niagara Falls, New York.
Bruce: First off, let me just add another congratulations to Evan Backstabber - pardon me, Bastard. Baxter, rather. It is good to see what someone with real talent can do when great opportunities are given to them instead of me. Anyway, I'm here with Katherine Hepburn's mom. Tell me, why did you toss the "blue heart of the ocean" jewel over the railing of Titanic? Did you feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio drown, while you were safe floating on the big door? Could you have taken turns, or were you just too afraid to freeze your big fat ass off?
Grace: [gasps in disbelief]
Bruce: Hmm. I guess that's how life is, isn't it? Some people are drenched, freezing to death, on a stupid boat, with a stupid hat, while others are in a comfy news studio, suckin' up all the glory. Oh, well. No big deal.
[mashes and discards stupid umbrella hat]
Control Booth Operator: Oh, boy.
Bruce: Oh, look! It's the owner of the Maid of the Mist. Let's have a talk with him, shall we? Come on in here, Bill...
Bill, Ferry Owner: That's all right.
Bruce: No, no, no, no. No, no. Come on, let's have a talk.
Grace: Come on. What are you *doing*?
Bruce: Bill, you've been running the Maid of the Mist for 23 years now. Tell me, why do you think I didn't get the anchor job?
Bill, Ferry Owner: Hey, man, I don't want any problems...
Bruce: [messes his hair] Is it my hair, Bill? Are my teeth not white enough? Or, like the great falls, is the bedrock
[shouts]
Bruce: of my life, eroding beneath me?
[sticking his face into the camera]
Bruce: Eroding, eeeeroding, eeeeerodding.
Jack: Cut the feed. Cut to black.
Control Booth Operator: I'm on it.
Bruce: I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you, fuckers!

Wanted (2008)

[first lines]
Wesley: [voice-over] It's my anorexic boss' birthday. This means there's a certain amount of inter-office pressure to stand around the conference table, eating crappy food and pretending to worship her. Acting for five minutes like Janice doesn't make all our lives miserable is the hardest work I'll do all day. My job title is account manager. I used to be called an account service representative, but a consultant told us we have to manage our clients, and to not service them. I have a girlfriend who I neither manage or service. That's my best friend Barry fucking her on an Ikea kitchen table I picked up for a really good price. I'm finding it hard to care about anything these days. In fact, the only thing I do care about is the fact that I can't care about anything. Seriously, it worries me. My name is Wesley Gibson. My dad walked out on my mom when I was seven days old. Sometimes I wonder if he ever looked into my baby blue eyes and asked himself "did I just father the most insignificant asshole of the twenty-first century"?


Barry: He's the man!


Cathy: Wesley!
Wesley: [half-asleep] What is it?
Cathy: What do you mean what is it? Listen.
[subway train passes by and shakes the entire apartment]
Cathy: How the hell am I supposed to sleep with all that fucking racket? When are we going to move so that we don't have to wake up to that shit?
Wesley: I kind of like it.
[voice-over]
Wesley: It helps to drown out the sound of your annoying fucking voice. Now please, let me sleep.


The Butcher: Do you spend a lot of time with knives?
Wesley: Breakfast, lunch and dinner.
[the Butcher hits Wesley with the handle of a knife]
The Butcher: That was a rhetorical question, puto. You interrupt me again, I use the business end. Here's what you need to know, puto. Knives are easy to hide. They don't jam, and they never run out of bullets. They come in handy when you want to do some close contact work.


The Butcher: You are a pussy!
Wesley: I'm not a pussy. I got a healthy respect for the human... condition.
The Butcher: Fuck that! You are a pussy!


Barry: Who's the man?
Wesley: [smashes a computer keyboard on Barry's face with the keys spelling "FUCK YOU" with one of his teeth and walks off] I'm the man!


Mr. X: No one leaves the Fraternity, Cross.
Cross: I have a new perspective on the Fraternity.
Mr. X: Careful. You don't destroy something that's been around for a thousand years.
Cross: It's already destroyed. He broke the code. I have to stop this.
Mr. X: Really?
Cross: You know this.
Mr. X: So why don't you face me yourself?
[pause]
Mr. X: Never send sheep to kill a wolf.
Cross: They were just decoys. Goodbye Mr. X.


Wesley: [yelling to Janice] Shut the fuck up!
[the office grows quiet]
Wesley: [to co-workers] She has one single iota of tenuous power. She thinks she can push everyone around.
[grabs Janice's stapler]
Wesley: You don't need this.
[throws stapler into the wall of his cubicle]
Wesley: I understand. Junior high must've been kind of tough, but it doesn't give you the right to treat your workers like horseshit, Janice. I know we laugh at you, Janice. We all know you keep a stash of jelly donuts in the top drawer of your desk.
[crouches down]
Wesley: But I want you to know, if you weren't such a bitch, we'd feel sorry for you. I do feel sorry for you. But as it stands, the way you behave - I feel I can speak for the entire office when I tell you... go fuck yourself.


Sloan: Otherwise, shoot *this* motherfucker and let us take our Fraternity of assassins to heights reserved only for the gods of men! You choose. 


Wesley: Six weeks ago I was ordinary and pathetic. Just like you. Who am I now? An account manager, an assassin, just another tool that was mind fucked into killing his father. I'm all of these, and I'm none of these. Who am I now? This is not me fulfilling my destiny. This is not me falling in my fathers footsteps. This is definitely not me saving the world.
Sloan: Still trying to figure out how you are?
Wesley: This is not me. This is just a motherfucking decoy.
Sloan: Oh fuck.
Wesley: This is me taking control from Sloane, from the fraternity, from Janice from billing reports, from ergonomic keyboards, from cheating girlfriends and sack a shit best friends. This is me taking back control of my life [to audience] What the fuck have you done lately?

The Simpsons, Season 4, Episode 17, Last Exit to Springfrield

Mr. Burns: "We don't have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract."
Homer's Brain: "Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?"
Mr. Burns: "And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours."
Homer's Brain: "Wait a minute. Is he coming onto me?"
Mr. Burns: "I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?"
Homer's Brain: "My God! He is coming onto me!"
Mr. Burns: "After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows. (chuckles, winks)"
Homer's Brain: Aaaaaagh!
Homer: "Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no!"

Mr. Burns: Look at them all, through the darkness I am bringing. They're not sad at all. They're actually singing. They sing without juicers. They sing without blenders. They sing without flungers, cabdabblers, and smendlers!