The true stories about my life thread...

A SERIES OF true UNFORTUNATE EVENTS.
A true story by Paul aka emmaspuppy

So around this time last year, I was in a pub/dance bar called The Bridge down town at around midnight. I'm not especially drunk at all, just out for a few with my mates. I spy this drunken 40 something blonde milf saunter by some leering guys and she drops a load of money on the floor without realising it. All round nice guy that I am, I hurry over, grab the cash and go tap her on the back to return it to her.

That's when it all goes pear shaped...
She is drunk, like REALLY drunk! Plus her eyes are like saucers. Clearly she likes to dabble in the world of class A drugs. So I say, 'Hello luv, you dropped your money.'
She is swaying a bit and sort of rocks back a bit as if trying to gain momentum to rock forward and view her cash. I'm holding a few notes in my hand, no change and she looks up at me and says, 'I haven't lost no money'. So I insist it's hers, smile and say, 'Look just take it love'. Her head sways back and she rocks forward to view the cash again, but this time she has gathered too much momentum and head butts me lightly on the bridge of the nose!
I'm totally unimpressed by this and say, 'Look either take it or go away. I wish I hadn't bothered.' I hear my mate Daz laughing to the left of me and I turn to laugh with him. That's when she punches me twice in the side of the head! I turned and shouted angrily at her, but she had run rather unsteadily behind some large thugish lady friend of hers. She's pointing over her mate's shoulder calling me a four letter expletive. I haven't done a blooming thing wrong so I shout for her to f-off and I turn back to Daz and ask him how much I had borrowed off him to go drinking? He says £30 and laughs at how only Paul can ever get into these situations when he is only trying to help.
I count through the Cash and it works out at £25 and a receipt for a 300 quid sofa from DFS. I hand Daz the money, make my excuses and leave. The good mood had been ruined, but hey at least I'd gotten some free beer out of it

3 weeks later I am out in my local pub, The Calder. It's Accrington's best bar by far & I'm having a great time. It's only about 7pm and the place is very lively due to a footy match on sky sports. I spy in the far corner, a girl called Jane (or was i Jay?) I used to fancy her years ago. She'd admitted finding me quite funny & likeable, but had a boyfriend at the time so nothing came of it. Her mate goes over to the bar and so I follow, ensuring I stand right by her. We take ages to get served so I make a joke that I was considering setting my head on fire just to get the dosey barman's attention. This earns me a laugh from the girl and also breaks the ice so I ask about her friend in the corner and it turns out they are sisters. I tell her I used to see Jayne around, but was a bit worried she'd not recognise me and I was a bit sweet on her. Her sister says to come over for a chat later & confirms Jayne is now single. So I'm very pleased to hear this & it gives me an excuse to say hello again later... I may be in with a small chance after all

Later, in another dance bar, I spot the two sisters sat in another corner & I decide it would be nice to break the ice by taking over a couple of drinks for them. I decide on two blue Aftershocks. Because the barman is a bit of a dunce who often brings me and my mates the wrong drinks, I just pointed at the distinctive blue bottle & made a V sign & a few moments later, I am navigating the packed out dance floor and I'm pretty much shoved from pillar to post by drugged up gypos, but finally arrive at their table. I smile, place two almost empty shot glasses in front of them with my hand all blue and sticky. They look suitably unimpressed & mildly confused by the tiny empty plastic cups.
Her sister turns to Jayne and announces this was the guy she was on about to her earlier then to my relief, Jayne smiles & says, 'Oh yeah I remember you, how are you these days?' During this brief introduction I'd wiped my hand on the back of my jeans and so thought it was safe to shake her outreached hand. Jayne then discreetly wipes her hand on her own jeans cos it is now blue & sticky as well and we have a short, pleasant chat. I ask if I may join her for a drink later & she happily accepts. Off I go all excited cos I really liked this girl and a good first impression had been made.

Later in the Bridge dance bar, I am approached by a brunette woman in her early 40's. She looks oddly familiar and her eyes are like saucers. She asks if she knows me from somewhere and to my horror, I realise it's the crazy woman from the other week. 'No senorita', I say in a dodgy foreign accent, 'I am new to dis country.'
My mate Jason looks at me all confused and I just wink at him so he plays along. The woman swayed back and forth once more and I brace for impact, but she manages to steady herself. 'What's your name? I'm sure I know you', She asks.
'Erm... I am Miguel,' I hastily reply in a dodgy foriegn accent. 'I am new to dis country'. I announce and Jason wets himself laughing & asks, 'Miguel, do you want another orange Wicked?'. He wanders off to the bar with my empty bottle, leaving me to fend for myself.
She sways forward & declares she finds me sexy or words to that effect. She then leans in to kiss me! 'Stop!', I declare, 'I am due for arranged marriage for green card'. She seems not to care and reaches for my crotch area as she leans forward in a second attempt to lock lips with a genuinely freighted Miguel. To avoid a punch up, I kiss her back for a moment while my ever sticky blue hand firmly grips her wrist preventing her from groping my goolies.
I gag slightly, lean away from her and I'm a bit worried and forget I am supposed to be foreign. I say in my own accent, 'Look luv, just cool it yeah, I'm not interested'.
That's when I notice Jayne and her sister near by, observing us in utter disgust. I'm standing there looking horrified as though the wife has just caught me blue... sorry I mean red handed. I’m quite shocked by this & temporarily forget the loony woman’s increasingly tacky blue wrist is still firmly in my grasp & she is struggling to escape. So I release her hand, the weirdo sort of flies backwards in slow motion into the DJ booth. I’m vaguely aware of the faint sound of her collision as I go running round to Jayne, who at this point is actually storming out of the bar. 'It's not what it looks like', I plead, but she hastily exits the bar & her sister gives me a filthy look declaring Jayne had been looking for me.

In hindsight, I wish so much that I’d simply been attacked for a second time by the loony woman & that Jayne may possibly have rugby tackled her to save me. I feel that not only would that scenario have been preferred, but vaguely romantic too, providing a wonderful end to this epic tale.
But the reality is that I was merely left standing there feeling rather demoralised beside a broadly smiling Jason who then offers me a newly opened orange Wicked & asks...
'What the f**k were all that about Paul?’.

when i can be arsed to read all that i might thank it

read about three quarters of it, then gave up i tryed

i didn't even try

Le Maître de votre Domaine indique...

I take it my previous post was deleted because of the Cathy Barry remark?

To reiterate, I did read the whole thing, I felt your characterization was good and the story on the whole flowed very well, and I tip Ross Kemp to play you in the movie!

Co-starring [insert random unpopular babe] as the drunk.

The Master of my Domain Wrote:Co-starring [insert random unpopular babe] as the drunk.

Thanks dude!
I actually saw that crazy woman while I was out jogging yesterday & I just burst out laughing, then crossed the road before i got too close to her - she sends a shiver down my spine

I read the whole thing and it just goes to show experiences shapes you as a person.

Emmaspuppy Wrote:I actually saw that crazy woman while I was out jogging yesterday & I just burst out laughing, then crossed the road before i got too close to her - she sends a shiver down my spine

Le Maître de votre Domaine indique...

I do wish you'd stop talking about my mother like that.

Thanks for sharing, i feel your pain.

You'll always know for next time to never back down and use a witty one liner irrelevant of consequences like:

"Sorry love, I've set my standards'