Favourite TV & Film Quotes & Dialogue

Family Guy, Season 8, Episode 2 - Family Goy

Glenn Quagmire, Peter Griffin's best friend and perverted neighbor has just discovered internet porn for the first time



Quagmire: [seems exhausted] Hey, Peter. I was just been, uh..., checking out some of that internet porn.

Changing Lanes (2002)

Doyle Gipson: I hope you don't mind, but I was intrigued by your conversation. I just thought you were in advertising. So I want to give you my dream version of a Tiger Woods commercial, okay? There's this black guy on a golf course. And all these people are trying to get him to caddy for them, but he's not a caddy. He's just a guy trying to play a round of golf. And these guys give him a five-dollar bill and tell him to go the clubhouse and get them cigarettes and beer. So, off he goes, home, to his wife and to their little son, who he teaches to play golf. You see all the other little boys playing hopscotch while little Tiger practices on the putting green. You see all the other kids eating ice cream while Tiger practices hitting long balls in the rain while his father shows him how. And we fade up, to Tiger, winning four Grand Slams in a row, and becoming the greatest golfer to ever pick up a 9-iron. And we end on his father in the crowd, on the sidelines, and Tiger giving him the trophies. All because of a father's determination that no fat white man - like your fathers, probably - would ever send his son to the clubhouse for cigarettes and beer.

Kirk Lazarus: Well? What's the skinny? Y'all been on a date or what?
Alpa Chino: No. I mean...I always wanted to, but I guess I just never had the courage to ask. It's...it's complicated.
Kirk Lazarus: No! It's simple as pie, man. You plant your feet in the ground, you look her square in the eyes, you say, "Hey, baby, you and me's goin' on a date." That's the end of story. What's her name?
Alpa Chino: Lance.
Kirk Lazarus: "Listen here, Lance..." Lance? What the fuck did I just hear? Lance?
Kevin Sandusky: Did you say "Lance"?Tropic
Alpa Chino: No!
Kevin Sandusky: That sounded like "Lance."
Alpa Chino: No, I said "Nance." That's what I said, "Nance."
Kevin Sandusky: It sounded like "Lance."
Alpa Chino: Look, I'm Alpa Chino, okay? I love the pussy! All right? Lay your ass back down and look at the stars.
Kirk Lazarus: When you wrote "I Love That Pussy" was you thinkin' of danglin' your dice on Lance's forehead?
Alpa Chino: Oh, hell, no! What? Come...look!
Kirk Lazarus: Man, everyone's gay once in a while.
Alpa Chino: I'm not gay!
Kirk Lazarus: This is Hollywood.
Jeff Portnoy: Alpa, if you untie me, I will literally suck your dick right now.
Alpa Chino: I told you, for the last time, I love the pussy!
Jeff Portnoy: I'll cradle the balls, stroke the shaft, work the pipe and swallow the gravy. Get it over here, buddy. Let's do this.

These three from John Bender (Judd Nelson) in The Breakfast Club (1985) -

A Nightmare on Elm Street :

Marge: You want to know who Fred Krueger was? He was a filthy child murderer who killed at least 20 kids in the neighborhood. Kids we all knew.
Nancy: [taken aback] Oh, mom.
Marge: It drove us crazy when we didn't know who it was, but it was even worse after they caught him.
Nancy: Did they put him away?
Marge: Well, the lawyers got fat and the judge got famous, but somebody forgot to sign the search warrant in the right place and Krueger was free, just like that.
Nancy: What did you do, mother?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Rod Lane: I had a hard-on this morning when I woke up, Tina... Had your name written all over it.
Tina Gray: There's four letters in my name, Rod. How can there be enough room on your joint for four letters?
[laughter]
Rod Lane: Hey, up yours with a twirling lawnmower!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Nancy: And now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the lord my soul to keep. And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Ambulance crew member: We don't need a stretcher in there. We need a mop!

Classic scene from a great and funny movie.