Babeshows - tips for performers : a tongue in cheek guide

(10-03-2015 22:21 )M-L-L Wrote:  This thread was supposed to be satirical, but other than circles post, it has obviously failed miserably.

I prefer to think of them as a satire on your satire, so they just have the appearance of missing the point!

(10-03-2015 22:50 )M-L-L Wrote:   OK now it's got even more surreal, as faced with a page of mostly his own Funny Screencaps recycled back upon themselves - like some classic 70s Dr Who robotic monster killed with his own weapons, M-L-L's circuits overload and shut down.

Awww. The captions needed some context.

i think they should all start shouting "tips' for shows", lol...

OK, here are some genuine tips based on faux pas seen on a regular basis.

You may be rushing to catch the bus in time for your shift, but make sure you dress properly, otherwise you will get so cold your nipples will stand up and chafe.

Make sure you charge your phone. All the time you are waggling hoping someone gives you a replacement is wasted airtime.

Read a quality paper before work so you can talk intelligently about quantive easing.

Get a good nights sleep, you dont want to yawn your head off.

Have a short walk at least once an hour otherwise your leg will go dead.

If you leg does go dead, immediately get a colleague to massage it until the feeling returns.

Its only polite to return the favour.

Dont snog or fondle on screen, its your employers time so keep relationships for personal time.

Take an interest in your callers. Ask what their day has been like. Don't spend all the time talking about yourself, its rude. And dont bang on about clothes or shoes, they might be polite about it, but they arent really interested.

Learn about callers typical hobbies and interests. Learn the names of the Star Trek crew. And the lyrics to Big Bang Theory.

Dont equate mens and womens football. Just dont.

Practice saying "Jeremy Clarkson represents ordinary motorists" until you can say it without laughing or shouting.

Go to the gym 3 times a week and practice holding one leg in the air. Also practice spinal mobility so you can suck you toes/put your legs behind your ears. 6 hours in casualty with a slipped disk does no one any favours.

Shoes. Invest in sensible flats with padded heels, depending on callers you could be standing a lot. Perspex just gets hot and sticky. Excessively high heels cause foot ache, and no one wants to see you getting a foot massage.

Have a pen and paper handy, you may gain a pen pal.

Have snacks ready for long shifts. Food that men can relate to, not girly salad stuff. Sausages. Dipping honey. Cucumbers.

Your family may have the wrong idea about the shows, confusing glamour and companionship with sleaze. Why not ask your mother or sister to join you on a shift?

Always bring a spare pair of knickers. Its not funny and its not clever going commando while your knickers dry after spilling tea or a shower set.

And make sure you shower at home before starting your shift. Even if you can take calls at the same time, you should attend to your personal business in your own time, otherwise where will it end.

Be professional, spend the night before each appearance learning the script.

Dont spend the whole show in the same pose, move around. If stuck for inspiration use arms and legs to pretend you are a clock. Changing costumes keeps things interesting, and it can be useful to bring a selection of hats.

As a glamour model you might occasionally be asked to partially disrobe for tasteful figure studies. Wear loose clothing that will not leave strap marks.

For similar reasons, if you shave feminine areas, do the job properly and never ever leave stubble, no one wants to see that.

Comb your hair thoroughly, bed head is not a good look.

If you are a student, take a laptop so you can work on your essays between calls.

Never, ever, drink on shift.

(12-03-2015 00:54 )eccles Wrote:  ...Always bring a spare pair of knickers...

Just never put them on over as the ones you're wearing... If a guy's date turned up with two pairs of on he'd likely think her frigid rather than horny.

Practice holding interrogation stress positions for hours at a time. Then when you start the job you will be comfortable holding one leg in the air for ages while twisting sideways, kneeling bum up face down, holding both legs up feet together, or simply holding the phone to your ear for half a sodding hour solid while some saddo goes on about the DTM50Z multitool in the Screwfix catalogue - its not as if its the DCS355M2 with variable paddle switch.