Private convos [PM/DM] experiences & advice

Recently I made this post in another thread about my 4+ years of private communication with a presenter and its eventual acrimonious dissolution and this was one of the replies...

(09-06-2015 03:57 )Scottishbloke Wrote:  Nonetheless very good insight into the other side of the industry which very few of us know much about.

Fair point but, even though I didn't realise it at first, that "other side of the industry which very few of us know much about" is equally opaque to me. To this day I still have absolutely no idea why that person chose to start telling me about their problems and asking me for advice about their personal life and, presumably, I never will. I also have no idea why she decided to tell me that, after 4+ years, she suddenly felt awkward and uncomfortable talking to me privately and wanted to stop writing without thanking me, let alone acknowledge the decision that I made purely for her benefit, and keep those reasons to herself. Call me deluded if you wish but I think I deserved better treatment than that.

So I have started this thread to discuss all issues relating to talking privately with the presenters [about personal matters/relationship stuff] on the forum or social media. Your experiences of it or advice on whether or how to avoid it happening to you. Let's be honest here - I cannot be the only person this has happened to in over seven years of this forum's existence. I also should add that, I'll try to be as open and honest as I can about my experiences, there will be things that I'm not going to discuss on this thread - for personal reasons.

Important: I also need to remind forum members that posting quotes from Private Messages [PMs] is against forum policy and will be removed by the moderating team.

Of course, if you'd rather make fun of me [for wanting to talk about "feelings" with a woman] or ask me why I didn't send her a photo of my penis - that will work too.

I guess a PM is like any conversation and is dependant upon the people involved to maintain it and if it goes into areas they don't wish to continue then it will end - the difference is unlike a face to face or telephone call you don't get an awkward silence or the reaction from them saying enough is enough lets move it on.

Clearly this person needed someone to talk to from what you've said and perhaps you helped them out with advice or a shoulder to cry on etc however most of us don't know the babes on the channels personally we aren't aware of what happens elsewhere in the lives. Like anyone I'm happy when one does engage in conversation however remember this is job for them same as a policeman or doctor - we don't expect them to tell us all about there lives so why should we expect a babechannel presenter?

You've been lucky it seems to have built up an on-line friendship with this person, that doesn't mean it continues for ever - There are people I've called friends in my life that I no longer see or speak to - people move on perhaps you should to.

(02-07-2015 10:09 )biggles Wrote:  You've been lucky it seems to have built up an on-line friendship with this person, that doesn't mean it continues for ever - There are people I've called friends in my life that I no longer see or speak to - people move on perhaps you should to.

It's funny you used that expression, "online friendship", because that's what I always considered the relationship between me and that presenter. I didn't think of myself as a friend to her and she never used that word to describe me. Although personally I don't see it as "lucky" how dismissively and disrespectfully she treated me at the end and instead dumped all of the blame onto me and painted herself as the innocent victim. I just think that, with the sorts of things she told me about and how emotional she was on so many occasions, I deserved better than receiving no thanks or acknowledgement at the end. Instead, she seemed more concerned about getting the praise and thanks that she feels she deserved.

As for "moving on", that is why I have started this thread. I am trying turn this from an issue between me and her and towards a subject that anyone can discuss, if they have experiences of this nature. Let's be honest here, there are numerous examples of presenters "taking advantage" of forum members, either by taking their cash in lieu of custom videos that they then refuse to make or by assuming that anyone who criticises a presenter is a 'troll'. Trust me, I know there are 'trolls' on this forum and this place would be a lot better if they'd just piss off but decent members of this forum deserve better treatment than this - and I know there are more than a few decent guys on this forum.

I have the signatures turned off in my USER CP but I seem to remember seeing a statement to the effect of "a fan of the girls, not the channels" on someone's signature. Despite the things that I have experienced, I still agree with that idea. But the notion that babechannel presenters can treat forum members like dirt and think they can get away with anything because we're "just fans" is totally unacceptable.

I also wanted to add that, if no one joins the conversation with their own personal experiences, I accept that they're doing that because they don't have any. I've seen plenty of examples of people starting threads in the past and then getting bent out of shape when no one joins in. Personally, I would see that as more unlucky than "lucky", but I guess that's just me.

I have learnt two things since I started this thread...

1. It would seem as if I am the only person who has experienced this in the history of the forum.
2. The majority of people on this forum would prefer it if I got over it and shut the fuck up.


Duly noted.

There's a couple of girls I talk to a lot, via DM on Twitter and via email, we are always discussing each others personal lives and obviously their babechannel work (I dm 1 of them whilst she's working and she tells me about the weird callers she's been having that shift - adult baby fetish, anyone...? lol).

Unlike Forum Style, I would consider us friends, I've been talking to 1 of them for about 15 months and the other girl closer to 2 years, I know about their families, relationships, address, which makes me believe I'm more than just a fan boy (I guess someone will disagree with me).

Sometimes I wonder why they are telling me all this personal stuff or talking to me at all (I am a nosey person, but I don't enquire about others personal lives unless they bring it up themselves first), but when I ask the girls, neither of us can actually answer it, I guess I'm a good listener and have a certain charm.

@Forum Style, I hadn't read your thread about Elle (not a really a fan), until now, but thank you for sharing, it actually makes me wonder whether I'll be still talking to these girls in a few years time and if not, why not!

The thing that struck me from your original posts was this line:

(08-06-2015 23:22 )Forum Style Wrote:  When Elle told me all about her private life I stopped seeing her in a sexual way.

I can relate in a way. In my very early adventures on-line (I am going back at least 10 years now) I discovered a chat room for people engaging in 'cybersex'. It was all amateurs, with no paywall or professionals, but thousands of members from all over the world.

I tried it a few times and it was okay. But the funny thing was that if you spent enough time on there, then the names all became familiar and all of the anonymous avatars start to develop personalities. It was no longer just anonymous cybersex with strangers. It wasn't long before you start to become acutely aware of the fact that it is another human being typing at the other end of the wire. Pretty soon you are PM-ing and then you are emailing.

At that point, I could never go back to the cybersex! Bearing in mind that the whole medium is built around dirty talk, I had decades of Catholic upbringing hardwired into my brain that says you don't talk that way to girls you respect. So I abandoned the cybering altogether and just found myself hanging out there for the chat.

I don't regret it. The chat room has since shut down, but I am still in touch with a few people from there. We get together now and then for a drink. I even dated a girl that I met on there for almost a year, before she moved away for work.

But I offer this story only to reinforce your point that -- for many of us -- once a rapport is struck that goes beyond immediate sexual gratification (and it doesn't take thousands of DMs to get there -- a dozen will do the trick!), then it is very difficult to once again think of that person in a sexual way.

In the same vein and informed by the same experience, I thought this line from Fan of Camilla was interesting.

(05-07-2015 09:22 )FanofCamilla Wrote:  Unlike Forum Style, I would consider us friends, I've been talking to 1 of them for about 15 months and the other girl closer to 2 years, I know about their families, relationships, address, which makes me believe I'm more than just a fan boy (I guess someone will disagree with me).

I am not, by any means, suggesting that you are a 'fanboy'. To me, a fanboy is someone who mistakes 'acknowledgement' for affection.

But so long as a 'friendship' remains wholly online, then I struggle to equate that with an 'actual' friendship. Irrespective of how personal, honest and forthright she may be, if the entire relationship is conducted through a keyboard, then there is a built-in distance that -- in my view -- keeps it from being a genuine friendship.

It is almost a wholly new online thing for which we still don't have a proper name. It's like there are different 'states' of a relationship between a presenter and viewer:

1. Presenter/Fan. She sees you a customer; you look to her for sexual gratification.

2. Presenter/Acquaintance. She is no longer trying to flog you stuff and, like Forum Style, you may no longer be seeing her purely (or even at all) as a sexual object. The relationship has all the 'trappings' of friendship, inasmuch as you are regularly conversing and offering each other kindness and support. But it is all done at a distance and through a purely on-line relationship.

3. Presenter/Friend. In this sliding scale of my own invention, I wouldn't genuinely consider someone that I met on-line to be a "friend", unless we actually felt comfortable enough to contact each other outside the safety of the Internet.

I get your point about online friendship and yeah you're probably right, the internet acts a safety barrier, if something's happens you can just block them on twitter or block the email address and the friendship is over.

(05-07-2015 01:33 )Forum Style Wrote:  I have learnt two things since I started this thread...

1. It would seem as if I am the only person who has experienced this in the history of the forum.
2. The majority of people on this forum would prefer it if I got over it and shut the fuck up.


Duly noted.

Only just seen this thread. No mate not the only one. I actually used to know a lot more about one of the chatgirl tv girls than was probably apt. Including her real name, address etc. ... good job I gave up my serial killing ages ago But that ended amicably enough
A present girl recently dM'd me about something bad that happened to her. I replied sympathetically.
Since then.. zip..nothing. I wonder if she too feels a little uncomfortable about maybe sharing too much.
This makes me sad but I'm not sure my feelings are of any real interest to the lady in question
So as I said mate.. not just you

In a similar situation now. I'm old enough to know better and all this will work itself out. Just want all to be amicable

Thanks to everyone who has posted so far, you have kept me on the forum a bit longer. I wanted to address this...

(08-06-2015 23:22 )Forum Style Wrote:  When Elle told me all about her private life I stopped seeing her in a sexual way.

I'll say this right off the bat, I am not the most sexualised person on this forum. If she had remained on daytime for the duration of her babechannel career I would have been perfectly content to do caps and vids of that. But when she switched to nights I welcomed it, because it didn't change the way I perceived her. I still saw all the good things about her personality that I admired. It only changed when she shared with me some very intimate and personal details. Ones that, in my opinion, she only told me because of experiences that I had related to her sometime earlier, of a similar nature. It's not my place to tell you that you wouldn't have seen her in the same light again, but I certainly couldn't.

But when I started writing to her again earlier this year she routinely seemed to dilute its meaning, describing some of the things she said to me as "not important" or "an off-night" for her. I defy anyone to make such a strong, emotional connection with someone where they tell you those kinds of things who wouldn't be upset to be told later on that it really wasn't important. And if you can, then you're obviously a *better/worse man than I. I am not saying that she couldn't change her mind - and I'm definitely not saying that I should have been spared from her selfish side - but in my mind you don't discuss those sort of things with someone unless you trust them, like she told me many times. And if you do trust them, you don't ignore them when they need you back. Friendship, 'online' or otherwise, has meaning. To disregard that fact makes you a very cold human being.

[*delete as appropriate]