Poems: Topical and Funny

I like a good cheeky bit of poetry. Feel free if its your thing too

Apologies for the vulgar starter

by Connie Phillips
Oh happy day—it’s finally spring!
The flowers bloom, the birdies sing…
We’re stuck at home, so thank Beijing,
And practice social distancing!
—
Netflix or YouTube, where to look?
Your kids are home, you need a hook.
They’ve heard it all, that gobbledygook…
Do something novel—read a book!
—
This virus from the CCP,
Upending all society,
Made toilet tissue ironically
Our most valuable commodity.
—
I ventured out to take a break,
And thought that I should shop for steak…
Instead, I went down to the lake
With coffee and some carrot cake!

No more shaking hands.
Don't touch your face.
Never stand too close
In a crowded place.

A virus is amongst us.
It's roaming around our land.
It contaminates and does us harm
By the simple touch of our hands.

Dark days are fast approaching.
We have to be aware.
Hygiene is our only shield
To this demon who waits out there.

Our world is now at war
With an enemy that's unseen.
But we can beat the invader
If we all keep our hands squeaky clean.

I washed my hands this morning when I visited the loo,
Then went and touched the tap, which you really shouldn’t do,
And then I scratched my nose, because I had an itch,
Then with my bare hands I went and pulled the switch!

And then I went and sneezed, with no tissue close to hand
Whilst holding the marmalade, not good you understand,
With the work surface soiled and the margarine as well,
This damn Coronavirus is my own living hell!

And so I washed my hands and then to my surprise
There was no towel around, which I hadn’t realised.
So I’m wandering ‘round the kitchen, like a zombie on the run,
And I had to wash my hands again - oh isn’t this just fun!!

So I sanitised the kitchen, wiped the work tops too
Then I asked my wife ‘would you mind cleaning the loo?’
I’ve sanitised the door knobs and all the floors to boot
And just to be sure I thought I’d sanitise the fruit.

I sanitised my phone but dropped it on the floor,
As I cannot clean a broken screen, I shan’t wipe it any more.
And I tried to wipe my laptop but it doesn’t like the soap
And now I cannot switch it on, god knows how I will cope!

And the hand lotion I use, which normally lasts a year,
Is not enough to get me through this afternoon I fear,
And so I wash my hands again, a ritual I now despise,
As the scientists keep telling me ‘wash your hands we emphasise!’

After hours of extensive research
And following many a clue,
I've finally discovered the source
Of the new pandemic flu.

It was concocted by our pets,
Forcing us to stay at home.
Always at their beck and call,
Never free to roam.

No room in the house is safe,
For they follow you about.
They are a constant shadow.
They think you can't do without.

They look at you with greedy eyes,
Imploring you for a treat,
And though you try, you can't avoid it,
So just admit defeat.

Alas, until the cure is found,
The master has become slave.
Our pets are now teaching us
How we should behave.

Well done HLO, my friend in funland
He's done 2k and some thanks are in hand

He's kept us going with pictures of Paige
And other pics that made fun of my age

The forum would be a bit quiet without him
And the funzone would be that little more dim

So a round of applause, you deserve it old boy
We applaud you for giving us all so much joy

Keep going, keep posting, will see you at three
I'm out, LOL. I said I'd get thee

A little boy sat on the toilet;
He was in there way too long.
His mom came in to check;
She thought something was wrong.

He's sit and sigh, sit and sigh,
Then he'd slap the top of his head.
"Why do you do that?" his mother asked.
"Works for ketchup," he said.