Simpson's Funnies

"Ah three couples our best turnout yet. Why don't we go round the room introduce ourselves, tell everybody why we're here, John, Gloria ?"




"My name's Gloria, we're here because Johnny-boy hasn't been able to cut it, man-wise, for some time, not that I'd want stench of gin and sour defeat pressed against me"

"That's enough, Gloria!"

"Thank you Gloria. John, why don't you tell us a little bit about why you're here?"

"She never cooks, she keeps a filthy house and she talks profanely! She's the queen of the harpies!:

"No, I'm not"

"Queen of the harpies!"

"No, I'm not!"

"Here's your crown, your majesty ! QUEEN OF THE HARPIES !"

"Homer this, this is never easy to say, we're going to have to saw your arms off"

"They'll grow back right ?"

"Oh....yeah"

"Dad it's not fair to claim this thing is an Angel there is no proof of that"

"No one's calling it an Angel Lisa. If you look carefully you'll notice i never once used the word Angel"



"What about that sign right there ?"

"That's a typo"

"Gee I don't know what you've got planned for tonight Homer but count me out"

"My name is Barney and I'm an alcoholic."

"Mr. Gumble, this is a Girl Scout meeting."

"Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit you have a problem?"

"Johnny Tightlips, where’d they hit you?”

“I ain’t saying nothing.”

“What do I tell the doctor?”

“Tell him to suck a lemon.”

"Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson, I... uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder."

"Is that bad?"

"Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog."

"You did?"

"Well, replace the word "kinda" with the word "repeatedly," and the word "dog" with "son.""

"So we meet again MAD magazine"

"How do you know its from MAD ?"



"The year was 1968. We were on recon in a steaming Mekong delta. An overheated private removed his flack jacket, revealing a T-shirt with an ironed-on sporting the MAD slogan "Up with Mini-skirts!". Well, we all had a good laugh, even though I didn't quite understand it. But our momentary lapse of concentration allowed "Charlie" to get the drop on us. I spent the next three years in a POW camp, forced to subsist on a thin stew made of fish, vegetables, prawns, coconut milk, and four kinds of rice. I came close to madness trying to find it here in the States, but they just can't get the spices right!"

"Oh, okay. Then I just need your $500 registration fee."

"$500! Oh, no problem. Would you take an out-of-state, two-party, bad cheque?"



"No i will not pay you $500 for sex !"

"Listen up, this is the busiest drinking day of the year. Where are the designated drivers?Beat it! I got no room for cheapskates."