How Big is your Pen?

I haven't been drinking, and I haven't missed out a couple of letters. What I have done, is had an idea - and this one's not as stupid as usual.

I was thinking this weekend that men and women are pretty much the same really. We all like the same things. It's just that we have to have them presented differently. I mean, I know everyone's an individual and I shouldn't generalise, but by and large, I have, for example, found the following to be true...

Both men and women absolutely love porn and can't get enough of it. However, it has to be presented differently, depending on who is to be the consumer. If the porn is for men, it has to be a presented on film or at the very least as a series of pictures. If it's for women, it has to be presented as text, in a book. In a book it's all rather less real of course, but importantly, there can arise circumstances which could never possibly exist in real life. For instance, the man might give some kind of a vague toss about the soft furnishings and actually try to control his farts in bed. Or, if the author has a truly exaggerated sense of the far-fetched, the man may find sex within marriage exciting and in some way respect his mother-in-law. The woman, meanwhile, might gain a tangible level of sexual satisfaction from what the man does with his penis... No, okay then, that last one might be going a bit too far.

So, my idea... It's occurred to me that us blokes could excite women as much as porn films excite us. How? Well, by writing porn, printing it out, and then giving the print-outs to girls who interest us. It would be the equivalent of, say, being on a train, having a female stranger approach you, and give you a DVD full of porn, for free. Be honest - you'd be interested in a woman who did that, wouldn't you? Best of all, writing porn for girls is not that difficult. You just need to know the rules...


THE RULES

The sex must take place in a luxurious environment such as a hotel which charges at least four grand a night, and not in a lavatory or the back of a van. If you set the scene in a combined luxury bathroom and toilet, do not mention the toilet, even if it is gold-plated with a solid platinum flush mechanism.

If you can incorporate a wedding into the proceedings, so much the better. But start the story with the wedding, and make it conventional, rather than some pervy debacle where the vicar is a lesbian in crotchless leather pants and patent thigh-boots, and the bride has accidentally left her tits out. Us men would of course very much enjoy a wedding like that, but apparently women prefer a solemn, fully-clothed ceremony with the odd teardrop or snivel here and there. Do not use the word 'misery' when talking about the wedding.

Be descriptive. This is one of the most difficult things for men. We are flatly unable to understand why we'd be required to describe things which everyone is already over-familiar with. But it seems that's what women want us to do. If I want to write a porn story I can't simply refer to the woman groping the man's loaded gonads. She must instead be "delicately caressing his full, oval gonads". Why there's any need to say they're oval when the chances of them being any other shape are about one in eight and a half billion is a mystery to me, but it has to be done. It would be easier just to put a header at the start of the story saying that everyone is shaped like a real person and not some sort of alien robot with triangular plastic bollocks. That would save a lot of work. But women like things to be described, so describe things we must.

The story must climax with the woman feeling the tight and impassioned embrace of the man's strong arms, and not the man giving it to the woman up the ass and confessing he's worn all her knickers.

And that's just about it. I should mention, however, that distributing pornographic print-outs on trains or in any other public places carries significant risk. This is one of the few creative genres where if people don't appreciate your work, you'll more than likely end up in prison. Ah, if only yodellers, opera singers and X Factor contestants were subject to the same rules...

^Those pens are alright, but they look a bit... flat.

....My STABILO® "EASY original" pen has been moulded to fit my left hand.



It's about 5 and a half inches long; not the biggest, but it's got shape

Remember - Pens can make a right mess in the wrong hand(s), they can leak if unused for too long, and they can break easily - always choose a pen with a cap, for added protection.
Better safe than sorry.


(Nice idea by the way, L.E. - just need to find a random lass to hand my bundle of scribbles over to. )

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"

Here's mine.



But according to Cosmopolitan it's what you do with it that matters.

Interesting article about fountain pens today
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-18071830

I'm a gentlemen, so I use a quill. Does that still count ?