Favourite TV & Film Quotes & Dialogue

Good Morning Vietnam

Adrian Cronauer: The Mississippi River broke through a protective dike today. What is a protective dike? Is it a large woman that says "Don't go near there! But Betty- Don't go near there! Don't go down by the river!"... No, we can't say "dyke" on the air, we can't even say "lesbian" anymore, it's "women in comfortable shoes. Thank You."

Richard Nixon: [Adrian has inserted his voice onto the press conference with Nixon] As I leave Vietnam today there will be no doubt in my mind that the Viet cong will be defeated. And this war will be won. It does involve as you have suggested give and take.
Adrian Cronauer: Well I really didn't make that suggestion, sir, I'm sorry.
Lt. Steven Hauk: Why would Cronauer's voice be on this tape?
Private Abersold: I don't know, sir.
Adrian Cronauer: Mr Nixon, thank you for that concise political commentary, but I think I'd rather delve into a more personal for the men in the field. How would you describe your testicles?
Richard Nixon: [Hauk turns to the radio in horror] That they're soft and they're very shallow and they serve no purpose.
Adrian Cronauer: So what are you saying, sir?
Richard Nixon: They lack the physical strength.
Lt. Steven Hauk: Oh, my God. Please don't do this to me.
Adrian Cronauer: How would you describe your sex life with your wife Pat?
Richard Nixon: It is unexciting sometimes.
Adrian Cronauer: Well, you can consider a sex change. There is an operation that can transform you into a female white dane or a very hell wung chihuaua. Mr. Nixon it is rumored that you have smoked marijuana. Are you planning to take some of the marijuana home back to the United States? How would you do that?
Richard Nixon: By plane. By helicopter and also by automobile.

[Lt. Steven Hauk uses Army jargon to refer to a press conference to be given by former Vice-President Nixon]
Adrian Cronauer: Excuse me, sir. Seeing as how the V.P. is such a V.I.P., shouldn't we keep the P.C. on the Q.T.? 'Cause if it leaks to the V.C. he could end up M.I.A., and then we'd all be put out in K.P.

Adrian Cronauer: You are in more dire need of a blowjob than any white man in history

Lt. Steven Hauk: Sir, the man has got an irreverent tendency. He did a very off-color parody of former VP Nixon.
General Taylor: I thought it was hilarious.
Lt. Steven Hauk: Respectfully, sir, the former VP is a good man and a decent man.
General Taylor: Bullshit! I know Nixon personally. He lugs a trainload of shit behind him that could fertilize the Sinai. Why, I wouldn't buy an apple from the son of a bitch and I consider him a good, close, personal friend.

Edward Garlick: We got one letter from a man who thought that Hauk's comedy was "visionary and interesting." The other eleven hundred calls say that the man can't do comedy to save his dick!... That's a direct quote, sir.

Adrian Cronauer: Good morning, Vietnam! Hey, this is not a test. This is rock and roll. Time to rock it from the delta to the DMZ! Is that me, or does that sound like an Elvis Presley movie? Viva Da Nang. Oh, viva, Da Nang. Da Nang me, Da Nang me. Why don't they get a rope and hang me? Hey, is it a little too early for being that loud? Hey, too late. It's 0600 What's the "0" stand for? Oh, my God, it's early. Speaking of early, how about that Cro-Magnon, Marty Dreiwitz? Thank you, Marty, for "silky-smooth sound." Make me sound like Peggy Lee. Freddy and the Dreamers! Wrong speed. We've got it on the wrong speed. For those of you recovering from a hangover, that's gonna sound just right. Let's put her right back down. Let's try it a little faster, see if that picks it up a little bit. Those pilots are going, "I really like the music. I really like the music. I really like the music." Oh, it's still a bad song. Hey, wait a minute. Let's try something. Let's play this backwards and see if it gets any better. Freddy is a devil. Freddy is a devil. Picture a man going on a journey beyond sight and sound. He's left Crete. He's entered the demilitarized zone. All right. Hey, what is this "demilitarized zone"? What do they mean, "police action"? Sounds like a couple of cops in Brooklyn going, "You know, she looks pretty to me." Hey, whatever it is, I like it because it gets you on your toes better than a strong cup of cappuccino. What is a demilitarized zone? Sounds like something out of The Wizard of Oz, Oh, no, don't go in there. Oh-we-oh Ho Chi'Minh Oh, look, you've landed in Saigon. You're among the little people now. We represent the ARVN Army The ARVN Army Oh, no! Follow the Ho Chi Minh Trail. Follow the Ho Chi Minh Trail. "Oh, I'll get you, my pretty!" Oh, my God. It's the wicked witch of the north. It's Hanoi Hanna! "Now, little GI, you and your little 'tune-ooh' too!" "Oh, Adrian. Adrian. What are you doing, Adrian?" Oh, Hanna, you slut. You've been down on everything but the Titanic. Stop it right now. Hey, uh, hi. Can you help me? What's your name? "My name's Roosevelt E. Roosevelt." Roosevelt, what town are you stationed in?. "I'm stationed in Poontang." Well, thank you, Roosevelt. What's the weather like out there? "It's hot. Damn hot! Real hot! Hottest things is my shorts. I could cook things in it. A little crotch pot cooking." Well, can you tell me what it feels like. "Fool, it's hot! I told you again! Were you born on the sun? It's damn hot! I saw - It's so damn hot, I saw little guys, their orange robes burst into flames. It's that hot! Do you know what I'm talking about." What do you think it's going to be like tonight? "It's gonna be hot and wet! That's nice if you're with a lady, but it ain't no good if you're in the jungle." Thank you, Roosevelt. Here's a song coming your way right now. "Nowhere To Run To" by Martha and the Vandellas. Yes! Hey, you know what I mean! Too much?

Snatch:

Turkish: Well, do you want to do it?
Mickey: That depends.
Turkish: On what?
Mickey: On you buying this caravan. Not the rouge one, the rose.
Turkish: It's not the same caravan.
Mickey: It's not the same fight.
Turkish: It's twice the fucking size of the last one.
Mickey: Turkish, the fight is twice the size. And me ma still needs a caravan. I like to look after me ma. It's a fair deal. Take it.
Turkish: Mickey, you're lucky we aren't worm food after your last performance. Buying a tart's mobile palace is a little fucking rich...[Realizes his mistake]...I wasn't calling your mum a tart. I just meant...
Mickey: Ah, save your breath for cooling your porridge. Now, look...
Mickey: [starts talking incoherently] I want the hector two roof lights, with the discover cushions and the matching side stripe caravan.
Mickey: Right. And she's terrible partial to the periwinkle blue, boys. Have I made myself clear, lads?
Turkish: Yeah, that's perfectly clear, Mickey. Just give me one minute to confer with my colleague.
Turkish [to Tommy]: Did you understand a single word of what he just said?

[Tyrone just backed into Franky Four Fingers' van]
Tyrone: I didn't see it there.
Vinny: It's a four ton truck, Tyrone. Its not as if it's a packet of fucking peanuts, is it?
Tyrone: It was a funny angle.
[All three turn and look back at the truck]
Vinny: It's behind you Tyrone. Whenever you reverse, things come from behind you.

Some of my favourite from one of the best films ever...

Full Metal Jacket

Sergeant Hartman:If you ladies leave my island, if you survive recruit training, you will be a weapon. You will be a minister of death praying for war. But until that day you are pukes. You are the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human, fucking beings. You are nothing but unorganized grabastic pieces of amphibian shit! You will not like me. But the more you hate me the more you will learn. I am hard but I am fair. There is no racial bigotry here. I do not look down on niggers, kikes, wops or greasers. Here you are all equally worthless. And my orders are to weed out all non-hackers who do not pack the gear to serve in my beloved Corps. Do you maggots understand that?

Sergeant Hartman: How tall are you, private?
Private Cowboy: Sir, five-foot-nine, sir.
Sergeant Hartman: Five-foot-nine, I didn't know they stacked shit that high!

Sergeant Hartman: Were you born a fat, slimy, scumbag puke piece o' shit, Private Pyle, or did you have to work on it?

Sergeant Hartman: Bullshit. It looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your mama's ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress.

Sergeant Hartman: I bet you're the kind of guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around. I'll be watching you.

Sergeant Hartman: Are you quitting on me? Well, are you? Then quit, you slimy fucking walrus-looking piece of shit! Get the fuck off of my obstacle! Get the fuck down off of my obstacle! NOW! MOVE IT! Or I'm going to rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world! I will motivate you, Private Pyle, IF IT SHORT-DICKS EVERY CANNIBAL ON THE CONGO!

Private Joker: I wanna slip my tube steak into your sister. What'll you take in trade?
Private Cowboy: What do you got?

From Family Guy

Lois Grifin : Oh my God I'm just like that Woman from Texas who gave her baby brain damage, I'm Barbara Bush

Machete (based on a fake trailer on the planet terror/death proof)

Machete: Machete don't text.

Henchman: Please father... have mercy.
Padre Benito del Toro: God has mercy. I don't!

April Booth: Do you even know how many hits I get on my website?
Booth: You have a website? She has a website? Did you know about this?
April Booth: I know all about what the online public wants. And they want me. All of me.
Booth: That does it. I'm sending you to a convent.

One from The Simpsons that cracks me up. Homer has taken up art, and for some reason happens to be painting Carl and Lenny in the shower....

Carl - Hey, err Homer I'm not really comfortable with you painting me in the shower like this
Lenny - Relax big guy it's for his art project
Homer - .....Yessss.... Art project....

Some classic Chief Wiggum, the funniest character in the Simpsons (in my opinion)

''See ya in court, Simpson. Oh, and bring that evidence with ya, otherwise, I got no case and you'll go scot-free.''

''All right, you scrawny beanpoles: becoming a cop is not something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge.''

''This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.''

The legend that is Dr Cox

Dr. Cox: "Since Sweaty Teddy here backs up his infinitesimal knowledge of the law with absolutely zero knowledge of medicine, one of you is going to have to help him go through the claims deciphered for the medical stuff and somehow relay all of that into his tiny peanut brain. Ted, how many times did I insult you during that speech, I was shooting for five?"
Ted: "Only three unless you count "Sweaty Teddy" as an insult but my mom calls me that and she loves me, right?"
Dr. Cox: "No Ted, she hates you. Four. Since Ted has no life and that is five."
_

Dr.Cox: I suppose I could riff a list of things that I care as little about as our last week together. Lemme see, uhh.... Low-carb diets. Michael Moore. The Republican National Convention. Kabbalah and all Kabbalah-related products. Hi-def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hot spots, 'The O.C.', the U.N., recycling, getting Punk'd, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys. Jeff, that Wiggle who sleeps too darn much! The Yankees payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show host! Everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything everything everything everything everything everything, everything that exists, past, present and future, in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions....Oh! And Hugh Jackman
_

Dr Kelso: Do you know the number one cause of death in a hospital?
Dr Cox: Your breath?
Dr Kelso: Infection. And do you know how quickly infection spreads in a hospital?
Dr Cox: Your breath!
Dr Kelso: That doesn't make sense.
Dr Cox: ....Don't care
_

Hahaha, yes, Chief Wiggum has some classics

"They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day."

"Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city. He is the cancer and I am the…ummm …what cures cancer?"

From King of Queens

Arthur: You gotta hand it to those Japanese, though, clever people. Still a mystery to me how we ever got them to surrender in the Second World War.
Carrie: Well, we did annihilate two of their cities.
Arthur: True enough. Mystery solved.

Doug Heffernan: Hello... Mhm?... Oh, hold on a second, let me get him... Arthur! Phone!
Arthur Spooner: Who is it?
Doug Heffernan: It's Louis Di Robertis from some law firm.
Arthur Spooner: Tell him to drop dead!
Doug Heffernan: Okay, I am not going to tell him to drop dead.
Arthur Spooner: Then tell him to go to hell!
Doug Heffernan: Not telling him that either.
Arthur Spooner: Then you go to hell!
Doug Heffernan: You go to hell!
Arthur Spooner: Drop dead!
[Doug lifts up the phone]
Doug Heffernan: Sorry, wrong number.


Doug Heffernan: If you're so smart, why don't you tell them you live in my basement?

Arthur Spooner: Why don't you tell them your enormous?!!!