We've got REAL problems in June!

I have just been advised by my travel agent that if I choose to holiday in Dawlish this year, or indeed any other UK resort, then I, and anyone holidaying with me, will need to take into account some new restrictions - especially if they're women. Here is the notice they have provided me with...

"From 2011, summer holidays in the UK will not be as before. The broadcasting regulator Ofcom has implemented new TV guidelines which will impact on anyone wishing to sunbathe on a UK beach, during daytime hours. Since there is a possibility that a TV channel such as the BBC, ITV, Channel 4 or the like, may choose to turn up unannounced and broadcast live from a given beach, all sunbathers must adhere strictly to the following stipulations...

WOMEN
Any women wishing to wear bikinis must sunbathe at night. That is, between the hours of 21.00 and 05.30. There may still be a token sliver of daylight between 9pm and 10pm, and it is suggested that women should sunbathe during this hour - or else get up at about 4am and creep out at the crack of dawn. If any women should wish to sunbathe outside these hours - in other words, at a time when it is not basically pitch-fucking-dark, then they must wear all their clothes. Suitable clothing is to be outlined by Ofcom in due course, but if you're buying your suitcase now, we would advise you to get a great big massive fuck-off bastard on wheels, which barely fits through the door of the train. Essentially, if you do not need a tractor to haul your suitcase down the station platform, then it will not be big enough to contain the sheer, breathtaking volume of clothing Ofcom will require you to wear.

In June we shall be publishing a booklet which outlines the positions in which female holidaymakers are allowed to sit whilst on the beach or indeed in any public place during summer days. So that all television companies may avoid transmitting offensive material during daylight hours, all women must orientate their arses in the same direction. Once a woman has placed herself into the correct position on the beach and correctly orientated her arse, she will not be at liberty to move. She may not under any circumstances get up and buy an ice cream in case anyone sees her arse and gets sexually excited by it. If she does move, she will be fined, and banned from going on holiday ever again.

Any women wishing to buy ice cream must do it at night*.

* Ice cream kiosks may be closed.

When eating the ice cream the woman must not lick it, suck it, touch it or in any way look at it in case some pervert imagines it's a penis and gets a sexual thrill. On second thoughts, don't pay for it, because you can’t pick it up, and even if you merely stand at the stall thinking about it in a suggestive manner you're bound to offend someone. In fact, don't even approach the stall and ask for it, because the ice cream man will inevitably read sexual connotations into your request. Conversations about licking ice cream before 9pm may elicit a fine. On a similar basis, gift shops will be banned from selling pearl necklaces during the daytime. It is impossible for ladies to ask for these without saying: "Can I have a pearl necklace please?", which will generate impure thoughts in the minds of pervy men and is therefore wholly unacceptable. There will also be strict guidelines on the precise wording women should use when asking for various types of cream.

MEN
Men will be given the strict task of moderating their wives/girlfriends. They will ensure the woman's compliance with this code. Where no man is present to moderate the woman, another woman will moderate her, but must do so without moving, or indeed allowing her own arse to point more than two degrees askew of the correct orientation. It is not yet clear in which particular direction men will be expected to orientate their arses, or what they will or will not be forced to wear, or indeed who will be granted the near impossible task of trying to moderate them. As yet, Ofcom have not specifically stated how these new rules will apply to the male populace. They may, however, in order to avoid any semblance of sex-discrimination, be forced to wear a bra between 9pm and 10pm. Men on holiday, that is - not Ofcom.

We will update you as soon as we have translated the fullness of these new regulations into practical measures for you, the holidaymaker. But for now, it just remains for me to say that we very much hope you enjoy your holiday!!!"

"LATE UPDATE... Ice cream is to be banned... And sausages. And cream of all types - including sun cream, which will not in any case be necessary because you can't sunbathe. Have a nice time!"

But what's the Telegraph going to put on its front cover all Summer if there's no scantily-clad, fruity-looking 19 year old students around?

Update

Ofcom does not want to unduly restrict freedom but has to balance this against the risk of harm. Last year 26 people were offended on beaches. Women may wear suntan lotion, but must apply it in the dark before leaving home. Women may not assist one another by rubbing lotion into each others backs before 11pm. Women must not suggestively form an O with their fingers even if pretending to be Nelson looking through a telescope or indicating that a burger is OK. Women can gesture to indicate that they want one of something, but not two. Pink swimsuits are unsuitable. For ease of undertstanding this rule applies regardless of skin tone. When reclining on a beach lounger women must keep their knees together, even when turning over. Which is banned. Walking should be slow and sedate, with no bouncing up and down, playing of tennis or running. Swimming is a popular pastime, but to avoid offence the B stroke is not permitted, not is backstroke which risks exposing the boobies and front bottom area to unguarded eyes. At no time must there be 4 or more women on the same beach as this would increase the erotic impact. No matter how desperate, people must not urinate in the sea, against a wall or by lying face down. All women on a beach must be over 18.

We're talking about British beaches here, right? I wasn't aware that anyone still went near them wearing anything less than full biohazard gear.

Update from Dawlish Council

Nether garments must properly cover nether regions, but it is acceptable for tufts of pubes to stick out. That is just the natural female body and we are not prudes.

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