Jokes

I am crap at telling jokes, crap at remembering jokes, in fact, when it comes to jokes I am a joke. The next time I go down the pub I want to be armed with some piss funny jokes to tell me mates. So if you know any join in and give everyone a laugh. Cheers

Q:- Why do elephants have big ears?

A:- 'Cos Noddy won't pay the ransom!

Childish? Yes, but it made me laugh!

Q:- What's blue and fucks O.A.P.'s?

A:-Me! Wearing my blue overcoat!

and this one is a bit long, very sick, but so over the top I couldn't help laughing...

A paedophile and a little girl are walking through the woods late at night. The little girl looks around at the shadows between the trees, the way the moonlight strikes the bark seeming to make eery faces on every surface and hears the wind stirring the branches so the whole wood is filled with sinister whispering. She looks up at her companion and says "It's dark and everything looks weird and I'm.. I'm scared!" The paedophile looks down and says...
"You think it's bad for you? I've got to go home alone!"

I know it's sick, but it made me laugh

1st Undertaker: I've just been given the sack.
2nd Undertaker: Why?
1st Undertaker: I buried someone in the wrong place.
2nd Undertaker: That was a grave mistake.


Why do barbers make good drivers?
Because they know all the short cuts.

Two blokes are standing looking in a shop window, one bloke points to a shirt he likes and says "Look there! There's the one I'd get!" then a cyclops comes round the corner and kicks his head in!

(watches tumbleweeds blow past) I'll get me coat....

Q:- What's E.T. short for...?


A:- 'Cos he's only got little legs.

Badum tsh!

2 snowmen sitting by a fire...
the first 1 says "hey can u smell carrots?"
the second replys "nah m8 but my eyes are burnin"...


last summer i spent a week on a farm, every mornin the biggest rooster you ever saw would wake me up at 5am on the dot, when i say big i mean nearly 2 feet tall and would have put most turkeys to shame. anyways i woke up on the last day of my holiday and stuck my head out the window, just in time to see the rooster clime up on the hen house and let ripp...

as i watched him bellow at the top of his lungs i caught site of this scrawny little moggy, it was the scraggyest little thing you ever saw and couldnt have wieghed more than a bag of suggar. anyways it walked across the yard jumped the fence of the hen coupe, jumped up on to the hen house roof and lamped the fuck out of this rooster, there was teath and feathers everywhere...

after about five minutes the dust cleared and this little moggy was walking tall back across the yard to its basket where it put its head down and went back to sleep, taking my cue from the cat i went back to bed

anyway the moral of the story.... "no matter how big the cock the pussy can always take it..."

2 blind men walk in to a bar the first says "ouch...."

2 dyslexics walk in to a bra.... hahaha

The Dog is truly man's best friend. Not convinced? Put your dog and wife in the boot of your car for an hour. When you open it, see who's happy to see you!

Satan greets him : "Welcome Mr. Gates, we`ve been waiting for you.
This will be your home for all eternity. You`ve been selfish , greedy and a big liar all your life.
Now, since you`ve got me in a good mood, I`ll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you`ll be locked up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.
He then takes him to a massive colloseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table.
To Bill`s delight, he sees a PC in the corner.
Without hesitation, Bill says"I`ll take this option."
"Fine", says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.
Satan locks the room after Bill.
As he truns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer :
"Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That`s what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.
"The bottle has a hole in it!"
"What about the PC?"
"It`s got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.
"And it`s missing three keys,"
"Which three ? "
"Control,Alt and Delete."

gazwim Wrote:Satan greets him : "Welcome Mr. Gates, we`ve been waiting for you.
This will be your home for all eternity. You`ve been selfish , greedy and a big liar all your life.
Now, since you`ve got me in a good mood, I`ll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you`ll be locked up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.
He then takes him to a massive colloseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table.
To Bill`s delight, he sees a PC in the corner.
Without hesitation, Bill says"I`ll take this option."
"Fine", says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.
Satan locks the room after Bill.
As he truns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer :
"Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That`s what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.
"The bottle has a hole in it!"
"What about the PC?"
"It`s got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.
"And it`s missing three keys,"
"Which three ? "
"Control,Alt and Delete."

Haha Lmao!