funny comments/ incidents/putdowns etc

I like hearing quotations, put downs, incidents and if any body can think of any them I would love for them to post them in this thread
I will start the ball rolling



Michael Macentyre the comic when on the apprentice show youre fired was asked by Adrian Giles
after it been found that One of the competitors had lied about his qualifications and work experience in his CV
'do you think the culprit should be kicked out of the show?'

Michael Macentyre responded ' not at all, men lie on their CV all the time, if they were honest they would list under hobbies, television and masturbation'.

Glen McGrath the Aussie fast bowler was getting fed up with being slogged all over the park by the sixteen stone Zimbabwean leg spinner Yobes Brandes, so he goes up to him and says 'Yobes how come you are such a fat bastard'
to which Yobes replied 'because every time I screw your wife she gives me a biscuit'

if you don't find this funny then you're just a boring old drone.

this is a true story
When Muhammed Ali returned home to Kentuky after he won the 1960 olympic heavy weight division gold medal he proudly wore his gold medal around his neck and went into the most highly rated restraunt in his local area.
Instead of getting the expected heros welcome, he was told by the waitress he could not eat there. When he asked why she told him
'we are not allowed to serve negroes'
Ali's reply was legendary
'well that is alright then, I dont want one I want a steak'.

Some cricket ones

Malcolm Marshall the fearsome West Indian bowler is reported to have said to David Boon "Now David, Are you going to get out now or am I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?"

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Viv Richards: "This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl."

Merv Hughes (After taking his wicket a few balls later): "In my culture we just say f**k off."

................................................................​...................................

Shane Warne: "I've been waiting two years to humiliate you again."

Daryll Cullinan "Looks like you spent it eating."

(15-07-2009 16:42 )mrwotzup Wrote:  Some cricket ones

Malcolm Marshall the fearsome West Indian bowler is reported to have said to David Boon "Now David, Are you going to get out now or am I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?"

................................................................​...................................

Viv Richards: "This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl."

Merv Hughes (After taking his wicket a few balls later): "In my culture we just say f**k off."

................................................................​...................................

Shane Warne: "I've been waiting two years to humiliate you again."

Daryll Cullinan "Looks like you spent it eating."

While we're on a cricket theme, what about the legendary Curtly Ambrose, who was at a charity dinner when a young society lady, slightly the worse for the champagne, looked directly at the very tall Curtly's crotch and asked him "Tell me Mr Ambrose, are you built in proportion?" to which Curtly replied "I'm six-foot six, if I was in proprtion to that I'd be eight-foot two."

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Mark Waugh : F**k me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here, there's no way you're good enough to play for England.
James Ormond : Maybe not, but at least I'm the best player in my family.

................................................................​.....................................

australia in 1993 in one ashes test match batted for two and a half days
and eventually declared on 683 for 5. Phil Tuffnell got Steve Waugh out realatively cheaply. 'right get back to the pavilion you know where that is '
to which Waugh replied ' should do mate I have been sitting there waiting to bat for two days'

a story told about by many a batsmen and bowler the one attributed to the most is Malcom Marshall and Graheme Goouch.
Goouch played and miss a couple of Marshalls deliveries in succession, and Marshall was fuming 'hey mon the ball is red it is round and you are supposed to hit it' the next ball Goouch hit totally out of the ground, Gooch turns to a seething Marshall and says 'you know what it looks like now f*** off and find it'


Merv Hughes the aussie fast bowler was at war wiith Robin Smith the English batsmen and smith had played and missed a couple of balls in succession Hughes turns to him and says'f*** me mate you are the worst batsmen I have ever seen' the next couple of deliveries Smith hits for two consecutive sixes, and turns to Hughes and says 'it should be a great contest then you are the worst f***ing bowler I have ever seen'

Australia were struggling to save a test match(how times have changed)
and Jeff Thompson and Dennis Lilley were trying to get a bad light stops play verdict off umpire dickie bird, 'Dickie mate I think you should take us off',
'why' responded bird
'we cant see very far'
Dickie bird points at an object far away 'what is that then?'
'thats the moon Dickie'
Dickie Bird unimpresed than says flippantly well how far do you want to see?'

(16-07-2009 08:43 )setter1000 Wrote:  Australia were struggling to save a test match(how times have changed)
and Jeff Thompson and Dennis Lilley were trying to get a bad light stops play verdict off umpire dickie bird, 'Dickie mate I think you should take us off',
'why' responded bird
'we cant see very far'
Dickie bird points at an object far away 'what is that then?'
'thats the moon Dickie'
Dickie Bird unimpresed than says flippantly well how far do you want to see?'

Dickie Bird is a character isnt he,here he is talking about Botham running out Boycott...blooding funny




thanks sirenbrian

winstone churchill was known to have a love hate relationship with nancy astor. At a party nancy astor said to churchill if you were my husband i would put poison in your wine. to which churchill replied madame if i were your husband I would drink it.


on another occassion churchill turned up to a do very much the worse for wear. and nancy astor said'winstone you are drunk blind stinkingly drunk'
to which churchill replied 'my lady you are ugly blind stinkingly ugly but in the morning I will be sober and you my lady will still be ugly'

I know I can away with this because no women even comes near my posts, but I do feel that a lot of women do not understand irony, and take things to literally.

An example is Ricky Gervaise. He was being interviewed by the guardian by a female reporter and one of the questions was 'if your house was on fire what three items would you save first?' Ricky Gervaise thought on it and came out with 'well obviously my girlfriend, and my prize giant salamanda, thats it really.'
'any children'
'oh yeah maybe one of the twins'
the reporter looked at him and went hmmm gave a polite smile and Ricky Gervaise thought yeah bit of a feeble joke not exatly one to have them rolling in the aisles. Move on.

Any way six months later Ricky Gervaise was being interviwed by the same reporter who asked him 'how are you're children?' to which Ricky Gervaise replied ' I dont have any children' she looked at him blankly and said 'well according to my notes to our last meeting you said you have twins' Ricky Gervaise was perplexed because he had forgoten the last meeting racked his brains and remebered his comment he made about one of the twins. ' So when I told you I would save the life of my giant salamanda over one of my children you thought I was serious?'
she looked at him humbly and said 'i'm sorry I misunderstood you.'
It is quite a concern when an obviously highly intelligent women cant differentiate between irony/humour and a serious comment. This story reassures me that it is not just me this happens to of course debs and sooky are immune from this crime

its wrong and sexist but still funny

sean lock: " a womans works never done , well maybe thats why they get paid less"

ps loved the mark waugh , james ormand 1 classic humour