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+---- Thread: Jokes (/showthread.php?tid=3004)
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RE: Jokes - mr williams - 28-08-2011 23:49
The British Medical Association has weighed in on the proposed health care reforms:
The Allergists have voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists have advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists have a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists think the government have a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians feel they are labouring under a misconception, while Ophthalmologists consider the idea short-sighted.
Pathologists have come out strongly declaring, 'Over my dead body', while the Paediatricians said 'Oh Grow up'.
The Psychiatrists think the whole idea is madness, while the Radiologists can see right through it.
Surgeons are fed up with the cuts and have decided to wash their hands of the issue. ENT specialists won't swallow the proposals and just won't hear about it.
Pharmacologists think that it is a bitter pill to swallow, whilst Plastic Surgeons have observed, 'that this puts a whole new face on the matter'.
The Podiatrists think it is a big step forwards, but the Urologists are pissed off with the whole idea, whilst the Anaesthetists think the whole idea is a gas. Meanwhile the Cardiologists don't have the heart to say no.
In the end the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision to the arseholes in London.
RE: Jokes - Stillroom Rock - 29-08-2011 01:23
funny motor insurance claims
"I was driving along the motorway when the police pulled me over onto the hard shoulder. Unfortunately I was in the middle lane and there was another car in the way.." (Thanks M Robson)
"Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early.." (Thanks N Bradley)
"I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof." (from an Australian claim form - Thanks N Shepherd)
"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind." (Thanks Sharon Burrows)
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?
The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.
"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? A: "I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan."
"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."
"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"
"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"
"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."
"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."
"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."
"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."
"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."
"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "
"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."
"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."
"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."
"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."
"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."
"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."
"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."
"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."
"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."
"My car got hit by a submarine." (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim.) (Thanks Jay Kuivinen)
The English comedian Jasper Carrott has used funny insurance claims in his stand-up act for a long time, including some featured above. Here are three others, kindly suggested by Andrew Moignard.
"I bumped into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings."
"The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week."
"I knocked over a man; he admitted it was his fault for he had been knocked down before."
"A house hit my car." (A house was being moved by a large truck. My friend had his car parked on the side of the road correctly. The house began to tilt off the truck and eventually fell off the truck, landing on my friend's car. He eventually had the insurance paid, after lengthy explanation and the moving company confirming the story.) (Thanks Ben Keirnan)
Please send your own funny insurance claims and stories.
RE: Jokes - mr williams - 29-08-2011 13:05
Harry Redknapp is sitting in a pub drowning his sorrows when in walks a glum Arsene Wenger.
"Et tu Brute?" says Harry.
"Don't you f****** start, I'm fed up hearing that f****** score," replied Wenger
RE: Jokes - Cheesy Grin - 29-08-2011 18:28
A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.
The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.
The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me £5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you £5."
Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.
The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me £5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you £100!"
This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.
The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a fiver and hands it to the programmer.
Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"
The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him £100. The engineer politely takes the £100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer £5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
RE: Jokes - Money_Shot - 29-08-2011 18:35
That's a great one C.G Two blokes walking down the road when a mugger with a gun approaches them and demands their money. Both look at each other in despair and pull out their wallets. They begin taking out their cash, when one guy turns to the other and hands him a note "Here’s that £20 I owe you," he says.
RE: Jokes - Cheesy Grin - 29-08-2011 18:49
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".
The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"
RE: Jokes - Boomerangutangangbang - 29-08-2011 20:52
Man on a train sitting next to a woman reading a book on sex statistics. "Any good" He asks. "Facinating" She replies. "American Indians have the widest cock & Welsh men the longest,by the way,I'm Jane" "Hi" He replies I'm Tonto Evans"
RE: Jokes - Money_Shot - 29-08-2011 21:01
There was a blind girl who used to hate everyone except her Boyfriend........
She always used to say that I would marry you, if i could see!!
Suddenly one day some one donates her eyes.......and then when she sees her Boyfriend......she is astonished to see that her Boyfriend is also blind........
Her boyfriend then asks ...Darling!!!!WILL YOU MARRY ME NOW?
She thinks for a while and says, Sorry!!! But, I can't.........
Her Boyfriend goes away saying....
GOD BLESS YOU DEAR!!!! JUST TAKE CARE OF MY EYES!!
RE: Jokes - TammysNo1Fan - 30-08-2011 07:32
Essex girl in car crash says
"I think i have concussion"
Paramedic asks
"How many fingers have i got up?"
The girl replies
"oh god, my fanny's paralysed too!"
RE: Jokes - Cheesy Grin - 30-08-2011 09:47
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. he decided to test it at dinner.
Dad: "Son where were you today during school hours?"
Son: "At school" (robot slaps son)
.........Son: "Okay I went to the movies!"
Dad: "Which one?"
Son: "Harry Potter "(robot slaps again!)
Son: "Okay I was watching porn."
Dad: "What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!" (robot slaps dad)
Mom: "Hahahahaha! after all he is your son!" (robot slaps mom).