Jokes

Have you got anything to drink?

Water

I was thinking about something harder…

I have ice.

My wife keeps telling me that I’m the cheapest person she has ever met in her life.

I’m not buying it!

What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?
A tearjerker

Which is faster, hot or cold?

Hot, because you can catch a cold.

I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails.

When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

I recently went to the “World’s Tiniest Wind Turbine” exhibit.

Honestly, not a big fan.

How is a girlfriend like a laxative?

They both irritate the shit out of you.

Welcome to the Sexual Innuendo Club.

Thank you all for coming.