Jokes

“Poor old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink.

As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humour the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

Two lawyers walk into a pub. They order a couple of drinks and take their sandwiches out of their briefcases and them they begin to eat them.

Seeing this, the angry publican exclaims, “Excuse me, but you can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”

The two lawyers look at each other, shrug their shoulders, then exchange sandwiches.

A man goes into a bar with his small pet newt called Tiny.

“A pint for me and a half for Tiny, please,” he says to the landlord.

The landlord asks, “Why do you name him Tiny?”

The man replies, “Because he’s my newt.”

I used to work in a pub next to a hospital and this guy walked in one day with his hospital gown on and holding a drip on a stand that was still connected to his veins.

I asked him how I could help and bizarrely he said, “Can I have 2 pints of lager, 2 pints of Guinness, 4 jack Daniels and coke, 3 gin and tonics, and 6 shots of tequila.

It’s a free country so I start to pour the drinks and put them on the bar one at a time. As I finished pouring all of the drinks he downed them in order and finished on the shots of tequila which he dispatched one at a time in a quick pace.

He then looked at me really sad and said, “I shouldn’t have drunk all that with what I’ve got.” I said, “Why what have you got?”

He said, “About £3.50.”

Which branch of the military accepts toddlers? The infantry.

Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins? You just have to listen varicosely.

A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb. He just can't part with it.

What do dentists call their x-rays?

Tooth pics!

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other’s a little lighter.

You heard the rumor going around about butter?

Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it.

You know, it was so cold in London the other day, I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.