Jokes

Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”

I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.

Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell?

He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him more sluggish.

What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?

A trip without kids.

When should condoms be used?

Every conceivable occasion.

Did you hear about the guy who dipped his balls in glitter?

Pretty nuts!

A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms.

She said, “Depends what’s in it for me.”

I'm taking up scuba diving on the cheap. Instead of using a cylinder, I'll be using a bag of Walker's crisps, there's enough air in each bag to stay submerged for up to 2 hours.

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia.

She whispers, "They're right behind you!"

A cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway.

Police advise citizens to look out for a group of hardened criminals.