Jokes

I've just had one of those long talks with the wife!

"Sometimes I don't think you love me. You never pay me any attention, the only time you want to talk to me is when you want a lift to and from the pub. It's like I'm not even here. Why can't you ever just stop going out with your friends and just stay in with me? One hug a day would mean so much to me. You never take me out anymore either. I have to stay home and look after the kids while you're out drinking. What do you have to say for yourself?"








"Man the fuck up!" replied my wife

I was woken up this morning to my girlfriend sliding my boxer shorts off
me.



"Oh babe," I said, with excitement. "It's not my birthday until tomorrow."

"I know, but I wanted to surprise you" she smiled, "And I don't know what
size boxer shorts you wear."

Bitch!

I'm emotionally constipated.

I haven't given a shit in days.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

"How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.

My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?' I said ‘No, six should be enough.'

My computer's got Miley Virus.

It has stopped twerking.

I watched a really sad porn film the other day - it was a real tear-jerker.

A woman just asked me if I like thighs or breasts.

Told her I like shaved vagina and anal.

Apparently, this isn't an appropriate answer at KFC.

Life is like oral sex, one slip of the tongue and you're in the shit.

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."