Jokes

Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?

They were Prime mates.

I’m known as a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate e-mailed technical documents and asked me to “decifer” them, I had to set him straight.

“Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f,” I wrote. “In case you’ve forgotten, spellchecker comes free with your Microsoft program.”

A minute later came his reply: “Must be dephective.”

Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?

I just can't see them taking off

My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini.

"Wow," I said. "That's an amazing car."

He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year."

While taking a clinical history from an elderly patient, I asked, “How’s your love life?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “I’ll ask my wife.” He got up, walked into the hallway where his wife was sitting, and shouted, “Hey, the doctor wants to know if we still have sex.”

His wife shouted back, “No, the only thing we have is Medicare and Blue Cross.”

What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

The water. Butane is lighter fluid.

Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"
Brunette: "I don’t know."
Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'

Q: Can February march?
A: No, but April may.

I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.

Q: How do astronomers organize a party?
A: They planet.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets

“Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, ‘Yes, who did you think it was?'”