Jokes

I heard that BBC is making a prequel to Pride and Prejudice that follows the Bennet girls when they hit puberty.


It's a period drama.

Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.


Boy: The principal is so dumb!

Girl: Do you know who I am?

Boy: No...

Girl: I am the principal's daughter!

Boy: Do you know who I am?

Girl: No...

Boy: Good! *Walks away*


A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners

The lady says, "Come Again!"

The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."


Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!

Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

Two girls were talking about their sex lives when the first girl said, "Oh my god!, it was really great, but I was so scared after his rubber broke. I didn't get a good night's sleep for a week." "What happened?" said her intrigued friend. She answered, "I didn't know what I was going to do, but I was finally able to get the last little piece of it out with dental floss."

I was telling a girl in the bar about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling their tits.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
"Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."

Name the five great kings that have bought happiness into peoples lives.



Drinking, licking, sucking, wanking anf fucking.

My friend thinks he is smart.


He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

I heard a friend had an argument at their athletics club and is facing disciplinary action. I think he's facing the high jump

A naked women robbed a bank.


Nobody could remember her face.

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records.

He has had 44 concussions.

He lives very close to me. 


A stone’s throw away, in fact.

King Arthur was about to embark on a long crusade.

Before doing so he called to Merlin to devise a cunning chastity belt for Guinevere.

The belt contained a miniature guillotine

Upon his return, he called to his Knights of the Round Table and had them all strip from the waist down.

One by one, he went to each knight and shook his head, telling all those whose members were missing to get out of his sight.

That is until he came up to Lancelot.

Seeing that Lancelot was intact, he exclaimed, “Now I knew I could count on you to be trusted. Name anything at all and it is yours.”

Lancelot replied “UNGH! UH! UNGH!”