Favourite TV & Film Quotes & Dialogue

austin powers :the spy who shagged me

english colonel: we've had reports there's a spy in the ministry of defense. the contents of this room are vital to the country. (approaches fat bastard) be on special alert.
fat bastard: (salutes the colonel) yes, sir.
english colonel: (disgusted) and er, try to lose some weight for god's sake.
fat bastard: (salutes the colonel again) YES SIR!
the english colonel salutes fat bastard, rolls his eyes and leaves
fat bastard: (under his breath) mr english colonel tellin' me to lose weight oh, i'm a hard case, he says well, listen up, sonny jim...i ate a baby! oh, aye baby. the other other white meat. baby: it's what for dinner.

the president:(angry) jiminy jumpin' jesus, i can't believe we're gonna pay that madman. i got nukes up the ying-yang (picks up red telephone) just let me launch one, for god's sake (gen. hawk stops him)
gen. hawk: sir, are you suggesting that we blow up the moon?
the president: would you miss it? (looks around the room) would you miss it?

Team America (fuck yeah) too many to put here http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0372588/quotes

Lisa: I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. is down! I repeat, we have no I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.! has to be the funniest line in the film.

the glimmer man (1996)

mr smith bodyguard (pissed): if you ever pull that shit on me again, I'LL KILL YOU, and all your little chinese moo shu port-potions in the world, will not save you next time
jack cole: you know, you shouldn't knock chinese potions, i have somethng in my pocket right now that competely clear up that bruise on your forehead!
mr smith bodyguard (confused): what bruise?
jack cole decks the guy, guy goes down
jack cole: that bruise!!

basic instinct (1992)

john correli: there's no smoking in this building, miss tramelli!
catherine tramelli (stops,pauses): what you gonna do, charge me with smoking

almost anything from only fools and horses

from american dad
(after finding ollie north's hidden gold)
"'ey, you! get it? because AU is the chemical symbol for gold"

from planes trains & automobiles (1987)

Del: You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right, I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you... but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Well, you think what you want about me; I'm not changing. I like... I like me. My wife likes me. My customers like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get.

From Happy Gilmore:

Nursing home orderly (Ben Stiller) - Okay, listen up everybody! Turn up your volumes, announcement. I got good news. We're extending arts and crafts time by four hours today!
Old lady - My fingers hurt.
Orderly - (softly) What's that?
Lady - My fingers hurt.
Orderly - Oh, well, now your back's gonna hurt, cuz you just pulled landscapin' duty. Hmm, anybody else's fingers hurt? I didn't think so.

Grandma - Sir, um, could I trouble you for a glass of warm milk? It helps put me to sleep.
Orderly - You could trouble me for a glass of warm milk. Now you will go to sleep, or I will put you to sleep. Check out the nametag. You're in my world now Grandma.
Grandma - Oh dear.

From "One foot in the Grave" - Victor Meldrew walk into a garage to pick up his car.
Victor: "Victor Meldrew, the Crimson Avenger!"

only fools and horses - S04E04 - It's Only Rock And Roll

del: (sigh) it's only a pipe dream, rodney
rodney: least i had a dream del, it more than i got now, aint it
del: ah, come on rodders, you didn't really think you were going nowhere did ya! i mean, just take a look at them other three, their got about five and half brains cells between them, and one of them, was on the blink i tell ya