Jokes

My wife has been dressing up in really weird nun outfits over the last few weeks

She has been getting into some really strange habits recently

This weird woman was pounding my door at 4am.

I had no idea who she was.

So I had to let her out.

My girlfriend is weirdly obsessed with the Soviet Union.

And for me, that's a major red flag.

There was a cricketer who had a weird bulge growing under his two testicles.

He thought it was just a bug bite but he doubted it. After about 25 days, the bulge became very big. So he went for a doctor's appointment.

The doctor did the scans necessary and found out that he was growing a new testicle. The cricketer was amused and excited that he can ejaculate better with 3 testicles.

After a month, there was another bulge similar to before, and another testicle grew. He was very happy with his sexual life and was very popular among girls after that. Now, this happened for about 2 more months. He now has 6 testicles.

When the 7th month came, there was no sign of the 7th testicle. He became concerned but was patient so he waited. But even after 4 months, there was no new testicle.

So he went to see the doctor again. This time the doctor did the necessary tests and found out the reason. He said, "in cricket, after 6 balls, it's over."

My boss said to me, “I find it weird that you are sick only during the weekdays.”

I said, “It’s my weekend immune system.”

A man and woman, both married separately, had to share a room one night on a business trip.

They feel weird at first, but they both fall asleep in their separate beds.

After a few hours of sleeping, the man wakes the woman up and asks her, "Could you grab me another blanket from the closet? I'm really cold."

The woman responds, "Or we could just pretend to be married for the night?"

The man replies, "That would be amazing."

The woman smiles and says, "Okay. Get your own fucking blanket!"

I got home last night and the wife had bought one of those Pug dogs. Fuckin horrible looking thing, squashed runny nose, pop eyes, drooping slavering jowls. Despite all that the dog seems to like her.

I had this amazing cab driver, he was driving a black cab, and he was whistling and smiling. He was clearly having a brilliant time.
He said, "I love my job - I'm my own boss, nobody tells me what to do."
I said, "Take a left here."

This blooming January sale lark is doing my head in... Firstly I went to boots they don't sell boots I then went to currys they don't sell curry went to selfridges they don't sell fridges And that Virgin Megastore what a let down that was...

I've cut down on my drinking now.. I only have one can before going to bed.
I Went to bed 8 times last night