Jokes

A plateau is the highest form of flattery.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.

He’s now a seasoned veteran.

I’m addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence.

As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don’t know, and I don’t care.

The wife was going through all the 5p & 10p coins on the kitchen table when she suddenly got angry and started shouting & crying for no apparent reason.....I thought to myself, "She's going through the change!!!".

It's amazing to see how time flies,
I can still remember when my wife and I were first married and not long after a lovely little chubby creature with bow legs and no teeth who was always dribbling and wetting itself came into our lives and gave us countless sleepless nights!!
Nah.....it wasn't a baby.....her MUM came to live with us!!..

A group of cowboys were out on the range branding some cattle. While they were away the new cook saw a sheep tied to a post. Thinking it was for that night's dinner he slaughtered the sheep, and cooked it. That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and ignoring the cook. He pulled one aside and asked," Did I screw up the cooking" "No", the cowboy replied, "You cooked up the screwing."