Jokes

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there’s a dog.

If I got 50p for every failed maths exam, I’d have ‍£6.30 by now.

Dad: What's the lion and the witch doing in your wardrobe?

Son: It's Narnia business

When I was a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft.

I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.

A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”

The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”

“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.

The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said.

“I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the seaside today."

A dog walks up to the counter in a deli. It has a note and cash in its mouth. The man behind the counter reads the note. It states what kind and amount of meat the dog wants.

The clerk puts a sack of cold cuts in the dog’s mouth and takes the money. The dog walks to the door and pushes it open. Curious, the man follows. The dog goes to a bus stop and sits and waits.

When a bus comes, the dog looks at the front of the bus, seems to read where it’s going, shakes its head, and sits back down. The next bus comes and the dog gets on. It drops some change in the fare box, then takes a seat. The man follows. Five stops later, the dog gets off. The man follows as it trots up to a house and rams the door with its head once, twice, three times.

As it barks, the homeowner comes to the door. “So there you are, you dumb dog!” The deli worker says, “Dumb? That’s got to be the most brilliant dog in the world!” “Brilliant?” the homeowner says. “This is the third time he’s forgotten his keys!”

I have just found out that I’m colour blind. The shocking diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

Why do vegetarians give good head?

Because they’re used to eating nuts.