Jokes

My mate was worried he was going to lose his job as a roofer on his first day after he was caught masturbating on the job.

Luckily his boss was willing to wipe the slate clean.

I’m making a documentary about aeroplanes.

We’re currently filming the pilot.

Why did the Grinch rob the liquor store?

He was desperate for some holiday spirit.

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest for suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

I've decided to form a choir this Christmas…

Anyone wanting to join will be welcome.
So far, it's just Dean, Don, Mary,
Lee and I.

A wife returns home early from her golf lesson.
Why are you back so soon ? Asks her husband.

I was stung by a bee replies the wife.

Where ? Asks the husband.

Between the first and second holes says the wife.

Your stance must be too wide then replies the husband.

The Christmas Day chess tournament in the lobby has been cancelled.
The hotel cannot have chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Woman. Hi there.

Man. Hello, do I know you

Woman. I think you're the father of one of my kids.

Man. Are you the stripper I fucked on the pool table while your mate whipped my arse ?

Woman. No, I'm your sons teacher.

When I was young I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears…

You can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches!