Jokes

I went along to the local Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting but all the seats were taken.

I went into Dan's cafe yesterday, but was put off by all the non stop George Michael music…

I'm never going to Dan's again!

My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables.

Jack and the beans talk.

My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets.

The decision was a piece of cake.

At dinner, my girlfriend suddenly told me, “It’s over between us”.

Heartbroken I asked why?

She said "For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes."

I replied "I see. And for the main course?"

Did you hear? The man who invented autocorrect has died.

May he roast in piss.

What do you call a potato with no jacket?
Mash

I said to my wife "Is your mother coming to dinner again Sunday?"
"Yes why?" she asked.
"Can you make her knife a bit more sharper than ours?"

The rotation of Earth really makes my day.

It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.