Favourite TV & Film Quotes & Dialogue

The Protector (2005)

Inspector Mark: [while chasing after Kham who's in a taxi, Mark looks at Officer Rick, who's driving, in a funny way] Stop here!
[Both get out of the car and switch places as Mark yells at Rick]
Inspector Mark: My grandmother drives faster than you! And she's dead!

Uncle Buck (1989)

Buck: Well, well, well, they certainly are scraping the bottom of the barrel for cheerleaders these days.
Tia: What are you doing here?
Buck: We were just driving by to get some ice cream. Thought you might like to join us.
Tia: I said I would be home at 10. It's not even 9!
Buck: Who said anything about that? I thought you might like to join us for some ice cream. Maybe your Bug here can join us. We can talk about burying the hatchet. You know what a hatchet is, don't you, Bug?
Bug: It's an ax?
Buck: Sort of, yeah, yeah. I got one in my car if you'd like to see it.
Bug: [getting scared] I'll pass.
Buck: Fair enough. I like to carry it, you never know when you're going to need it. A situation may come up say for example, someone has been drinking, and about to drive a loved one home... then I'd like to know I have it. Not to kill, no. Just to maim. Take a little off the shoulder. Swish! The elbow. Slash! Shave a little meat off the old kneecap. Fowap! Ooooo! You got both kneecaps? I like to keep mine razor sharp. Sharp enough you can shave with it. Why I've been known to circumcise a gnat. You're not a gnat are you, Bug? Wait a minute, bug, gnat. Is there a little similarity? Whoa, I think there is! Ha ha ha. You understand what I'm talking about? I don't think you do. I'll be right back. Heh heh heh heh.
[walks away]
Tia: I'm sorry.
Bug: Look, I think you'd better split. I don't exactly want him to go berserk with an ax on me.
Tia: He's all talk.
[Buck pulls out a small hatchet from his car]
Buck: Here it is! Come over, come on, I want to show it to you. Maybe later. Okay.

The Simpsons: Season 15, Episode 4 - The Regina Monologues

Ian McKellen: Please, take these free tickets to my play!
Homer: What? What play?
Ian McKellen: We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud.
Homer: You mean 'MacBeth'?
[a car splashes Ian McKellen]
Ian McKellen: Quiet, you plundering fool! You'll curse us all!
Homer: What, by saying 'MacBeth'?
[an anvil falls on Ian McKellen's foot]
Ian McKellen: OW! Stop saying it!
Homer: Saying what?
Ian McKellen: 'MACBETH'! Oh, now I've said it.
[McKellen is hit by lightning]
Bart Simpson: This is cool! 'MacBeth', 'MacBeth', 'MacBeth'.
[McKellen is hit by lightning each time Bart says 'MacBeth']
Marge Simpson: Bart, stop saying 'MacBeth'!
[McKellen is hit by lightning]
Lisa Simpson: Mom, you said 'MacBeth'.
[McKellen is hit by lightning]
Homer: Mr. 'MacBeth', I'm really sorry.
[McKellen is hit by lightning]
Ian McKellen: That's quite alright. You didn't know. Now, if you excuse me, I have a performance to give [starts to walk inside the Theatre]
Bart: [shouts] Good luck!
Ian McKellen: It's bad luck to say that, too. [just then, McKellen is seriously crushed by a falling theatre marquee]

Homer: Homer: Milord, we Americans love queens, be they homecoming or dairy. This woman, however, is an imposter! Her luggage is inscribed H.R.H. which means her real name must be Henrietta R. Hippo

Lisa: Why did you let him be his own Barrister?
Marge: He rear-ended the frigging Queen! What difference would it make?

First Blood

Colonel Trautman: I don't think you understand. I didn't come to rescue Rambo from you. I came here to rescue you from him.

Sheriff Teasle: Well we all appreciate your concern Colonel. I will try to be extra careful!

Trautman: I'm just amazed he allowed any of your posse to live.

Teasle: Is that right?

Trautman: Strictly speaking, he slipped up. You're lucky to be breathing.

Teasle: Colonel, you came out here to find out why one of your machines blew a gasket!

Trautman: You don't seem to want to accept the fact that you're dealing with an expert in guerrilla warfare, with a man who's the best! With guns, with knives, with his bare hands! A man who's been trained to ignore pain! To ignore weather! To live off the land! To eat things that would make a billy goat puke! In Vietnam his job was to dispose of enemy personnel...to kill, period! Win by attrition... well Rambo was THE BEST!

Colonel Trautman - Richard Crenna
Sheriff Teasle - Brian Dennehy

XXX: State of the Union (2005)

[After Stone knocks out Charlie]
Agent Augustus Gibbons: [shouts] YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD OF KILLED THAT BITCH!!

[After removing duct-tape from Gibbons's mouth]
Agent Augustus Gibbons: What took you so damn long to get here.
Darius Stone: Same old Gibbons, maybe I should put this back on. Don't get a "Thank you" or "Good to see you, Stone. [Cuts Gibbons bonds]
Agent Augustus Gibbons [after he kills Charlie] See? I told you, you should of kill that bitch!

[last lines]
Agent Kyle Steele: I've got some ideas for the next XXX.
Toby Lee Shavers: Now, wait a minute, it's my turn to pick!
Agent Augustus Gibbons: I do the picking. We're going further off the grid. Fresh face, new look. I've got the perfect candidate.

That phone call

The Hitcher (1986)

Some good reasons why it isn't a good idea to pick up a hitch-hiker...

Running Scared (2006)

Pimp Lester: [threatening Oleg with a knife] Now I'm gonna put a smile on your face, boy... cheek to cheek. You're gonna be the happiest little brat in school. Say cheese.
[Divina knocks Lester out from behind]
Divina: Who's laughing now, you fucking gray meat limp dick motherfucker? Mack daddy! Who's macking now, bitch?

Liar Liar

[About Mr Allen]

Miranda: Well what do you think of him?

Fletcher: He's a pathetic pontificating bastard, a belligerent old fart, a worthless steaming pile of cow dung, furtively speaking.

[A moment passes and Mr Allen starts laughing, the other board members follow his lead and start laughing also]

Mr Allen: That's the funniest damn thing I've ever heard. You're a real card Reede. I love a good roast! Do Simmons!

Fletcher: Simmons is old! He should've been out of the game years ago but he can't stay home because he hates his wife! You've met her at Christmas parties. She's the one that gets plastered and calls him a retard! And you Tom you're the biggest brownnose I've ever seen! You've got your head so far up Mr Allen's ass, I can't tell where you end and he begins!

Mr Allen: [Roaring with laughter] Priceless!

[Fletcher continues with every member]

Fletcher: You have bad breath caused by gingivitis! You couldn't get a porn star off! Your hairpiece looks like something that was killed crossing the highway, I don't know wheather to comb it or scrape it off with a shovel and bury it in lime. Loser! Idiot! Wimp! Degenerate!

[To Miranda]

Fletcher: Slut!

Mr Allen: I like your style Reede! That's just what this stuffy company needs - a little irreverence.

Fletcher: Good! I'll see you later dickhead!

Fletcher Reede: Jim Carrey
Miranda: Amanda Donohoe
Mr Allen: Mitch Ryan

Liar, Liar (1997)

Busty Woman on Elevator: Everybody's been real nice.
Fletcher: Well, that's because you've got big jugs. [The Busty Woman gasps] I mean your boobs are huge. I mean, I wanna squeeze 'em. [puckers up] Mama! [A punching sound is heard. Elevator doors open, Fletcher steps out holding his left eye, while the Busty Woman, glares after him, shaking her head in disgust]

Office Worker: Hey, Fletcher, how's it hanging?
Fletcher: [groans] Short, shriveled, and always to the left.

Cop: You know why I pulled you over?
Fletcher: Depends on how long you were following me!
Cop: Why don't we just take it from the top?
Fletcher: Here goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and *speeding*!
Cop: Is that all?
Fletcher: No... I have unpaid parking tickets.
[groans]
Fletcher: ... be gentle.

Guy in the Washroom: What the hell are you doing?
Fletcher: I'm kicking my ass! Do you mind?