Jokes

God says to one of his angels:

"I'm absolutely knackered. I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on earth."

The angel says, "What are you going to do now?."

God replies, "Sod it i think i'll call it a day."

It was nice to see Europe playing America at their own game by turning up late & claiming victory.

Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard.

He was also quite a spiritual person.

Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail.

Furthermore, due to his diet, he had bad breath.

He came to be known as a super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

Three married women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.
The first says, "I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does."

The second woman says, " I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

The third fell silent until one of the other two asked,
"Well what do you call your husband?"

She says, "The postman?"

"Why the postman"

"Because he delivers late and most of the time its in the wrong box."

Weighing an elephant is just like weighing a human.But on a much bigger scale.

I'm not one to blow me own horn....
.....But I'll get kicked out of the brass band if I don't.

My wife was trying to explain to me about dogs being like their owners.
But I was too busy licking my bollocks to listen.

A pavement walks into a bar. Looking nervous, he asks for a beer, and the barman pulls him a glass. With another worried look around, the pavement finds a quiet corner and sits down in a hurry. Not long after, the door opens and in walks a stretch of motorway. He orders a pint, then glances around the bar and notices the pavement in the corner. Looking at him with disgust, the motorway goes over and shoves him out of the bar, then returns and takes the corner seat.

Soon after that, a quiet piece of red tarmac strolls in and asks the barman politely for a drink. The barman looks at the motorway, then pulls the tarmac a drink. The red tarmac takes a seat next to the motorway, who then gets up and returns his empty glass to the barman.

The barman looks puzzled and asks the motorway, "How come you didn’t throw the red tarmac out like you did to the pavement?"

"I’m not touching him!" replies the motorway. "He’s a right cycle-path!"

A guy enters a clock and watch shop and sees a gorgeous girl serving behind the counter.

He casually walks over to her, unzips his trousers, and flops his dick onto the counter.

"What are you doing sir?" the girl says. " This is a clock shop!"

"I know" the guy says, "And i'd like two hands and a face put on this"

Dear Jim, please can you fix it for me to go on holiday with a girl in my class?
From Jeremy Forrest Aged 30.

My girlfriend's convinced she's being stalked... Well she's not actually my girlfriend yet...
--------------
Kate Middleton asked the queen for advice on a long successful marriage. She replied "wear a selt belt and don't piss me off"...