Jokes

A man visits his girfriend in her tenth-floor flat. While waiting for her to get ready, he starts playing ball with her pet dog, Fluffy.

Alas Fluffy gets carried away and when the ball accidentally flies out of the window, Fluffy follows it, plunging to the pavement.

The girlfriend comes in and says, "Are you alright? you look as white as a sheet."

"I'm fine" he replies, "But tell me, has Fluffy been showing any signs of depression?"


An English cat, called One-two-three, and French cat called Un-deux-trois, decide to have a swimming race across a lake. Which cat won?
The English cat, Un-deux-trois catre cinq.

Koreans have recently brought out their own vegetarian version of an instant noodle snack. It's called Not Poodle.

Did you here about the dyslexic gynaecologist?
He wants to look at your vinegar.

When a Jehovah's witness dies and gets to heaven, does God hide behind the gates and pretend he's not in?

Did you hear the new and politically correct name for "Lesbian"
It has been changed to "Vagitarian."

Marriage is like a deck of cards. At first all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a f**king club and a spade.

Jim Carrey impersonates Vanilla Ice

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0A7tLVIsuNw

Q. What do you call a dog that has balls of steel and is dragging them across the cement?
A. Sparky

What do you call 2 fleas on top of a bald head?
Homeless.

What do you call a fly in a blonde's brain?
A space invader!

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians. After a tour of the reservation, she asked why there was a difference in the number of feathers in headdresses. She asked a brave who had only one feather in his headress.
"Me have only one squaw, so me only have one feather." She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow was putting her on.
"Me have four feathers, because me sleep with four squaws." Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of of mates involved, she decided to interview the chief, who had a headdress full of feathers.
"Me chief, me fuck-em all."
"You ought to be hung!" a horrified Barbara Walters said.
"Damn right, me hung like buffalo."
"You don't have to be so damn hostile!" cried Barbara Walters.
"Hoss-style, dog-style, hog-style, wolf-style, any-style. Me fuck-em all!"
"Oh dear!"
"No deer. Assholes too high and run too fast. No fuck-em deer."

What do you get when you cross a Scottish sheep with a Peruvian Mountain Goat?
The Dolly Llama.

What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.

A made a chicken salad, and the ungrateful sod never ate it.

Because a man just failed to pass his interview to be a mortuary assistant the board decided he "cadaver" second go.

Native Americans are being employed in the dispatch department of my local garden centre. They sure know how to "wrap-a-hoe"

What's the first rule of being a woodsman?
Always respect you're elders!

Just found a peice of fruit with some tits on it, i've never seen a pear quite like it.

I berated a lady for taking a job doing blue movie sound effects.
Felt bad later, after all i thought, she is a "groan" woman.

Why is Spiderman like adolescence?
One day a teenage guy wakes up with muscles, hair in new places and the ability to spray white sticky goo around the house.

What do you call an Afghan virgin?
Never Bin Laid On.

A bloke shouts to his wife "When i die I'm going to leave everything to you love!"
She shouts back "You already did you lazy bastard!"

Men are like pantyhose - they either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch.

I was just run over by the missus, I didn't even know what hit me.
She was riding her menstrual cycle....


Just can't wait to see who gets the Oscar.
It'll probably be Big Bobby Omanga in Cell Block 42a, Pretoria Jail....


Inquisitive Chinese students always prefer to enrol at the University of East Anglia.
It's their insatiable thirst for Norwich...

A drunk in a pub finishes his pint and slams the glass on the bar top.
"Piss!" he says, then asks for another.

He downs that one too and again, slams his empty glass down saying "Piss".

This happens again and again until eventually the irate barman looks the drunk in the eye and says, "Piss off".

The drunk replies, "Oh in that case i'll have a vodka."


Emperor Nero is watching some Christians being thrown to the lions. He turns to his wife and says, "Do you know what i like most about this sport? No pitch invasions."

A couple were having sex for the first time and after a while the man asked the woman to open her legs a little wider.

She did so, and they carried on, but a few minutes later he said again
"Can you open your legs a little more?" Again she obliged, but shortly afterwards he said "A little wider please."

Although decidedly irritated by his requests, she did as he wanted, untill thirty seconds later, he pleaded "Can you please open them just a bit wider?"

Exploding with rage she shouted, "What the hell are you trying to do? Get your balls in too?"

"No baby" he replied "I'm trying to get them out!"