Jokes

A mother walked into the bathroom one day and was shocked to find her son scrubbing away furiously at his cock using a toothbrush and toothpaste.

"Oh, my God, what on earth's going on?" she said. "Don't try and stop me, Mum" he replied. "I'm doing this three times a day because if you think I'm going to end up with a cavity that looks as bad as my sister's you've got another think coming."

On their 25th wedding anniversary, a man takes his wife to the hotel where they spent their honeymoon. The couple book the same room as on their wedding night and find it's exactly as they remembered it.

"Oh, darling" says the wife, "tonight will be exactly the same as our first night of wedded bliss."

"Yeah" the husband replies, "except this time it'll be me lying on the bed screaming, It's too big! It's too big!"

A woman goes into a pet shop and asks for a canary. "It must be able to sing" says the woman. "It must sing beautifully."

The owner brings out a succession of canaries and each of them sings its little heart out, but the woman won't have any of them.

Eventually the owner brings out an elderly canary sitting on a nest. It looks a pitiful sight, but it sings like an angel and the woman is entranced by it.

"I'll take it" she says, "and I'll take the nest too. Is it sitting on some eggs?" "No" the owner replies. He lifts up the bird and reveals it has no legs.

"Good God!" exclaims the woman. "What sort of rip-off merchant are you, trying to sell me a legless bird?" "Listen, lady" snaps the owner,
"do you want a singer or a dancer...?"

A junior reporter for a small-town newspaper is sent out on his first assignment. When he comes back, he submits the following report to his editor.

"Mrs Green was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts."

The editor reads this, then scolds the junior reporter, "This is a family paper, son. We don't use words like "breasts" around here. Now go back and write something more appropriate!"

The reporter thinks long and hard. He tries rewriting the report using words such as "chest", "lady bumps", and "bust", but nothing seems to work. Finally he hands the editor the following:

"Mrs Green was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her (.) (.)"

So a passenger was forced to land a plane after the pilot fell ill at the controls.

Ryanair have since charged the passenger for his seat upgrade.

Who wants to be A Blond Millionaire?

Meredith (Host): Sindy!! You made to $500,000 you are one away from the million!!! You still have your phone a friend lifeline left.
Sindy: I am so excited, let's play.
Meridith: Ok Sindy here is your final question. Which one of these birds do not build its own nest? A. Sparrow B. Humming Bird C. Cuckoo or D. Robin?
Sindy: I think that I know the answer but I am just not sure. I think I am going to use my phone a friend.
Meridith: Who would you like to call Sindy?
Sindy: I think that I am going to call Tammy (Sindy's Blonde Friend)
Meridith: Lets get Tammy on the line.
Tammy is now on the line.
Sindy: Tammy!! I am going for the million dollars, right now! I need your help with this last question. Which one of these birds does not build its' own nest? A. Sparrow B. Humming Bird C. Cuckoo or D. Robin?
Tammy (Blonde): Oh Sindy that is easy!!! It is the Cuckoo.
Sindy: How sure are you Tammy?
Tammy (Blonde): I am 100% sure that it is the Cuckoo.
Sindy: Thanks Tammy.
Meridith: Your friend seems pretty confident. If you get this question right you will win the Million. But if you get this question wrong, then you will drop back down to $32,000.
Sindy: I am going to go for it. C. Cuckoo final answer.
Meridith: Tammy…You are a MILLIONARE. Cuckoo was the correct answer.

Later on that night Sindy is super excited and has a massive celebration with all of her friends and family. She invites Tammy over to celebrate with them. When Tammy arrives Sindy wants to thank her personally for helping her with the million-dollar question.

Sindy: Tammy how in the world did you know that a Cuckoo is the bird that doesn't build its' own nest?
Tammy (Blonde): Sindy…everybody knows a Cuckoo lives in a clock.

A new guy arrives in prison and is put in a cell with an old-timer called Jones. Jones greeted the new arrival.

"I'm in here for fraud" he said. "Made quite a good living at it for a while. I wintered in the South of France on a yacht, had fast cars, beautiful women, and ate in all the best restaurants. I tell you I used to live the life of Riley. Then one day, it all came to a stop."

"What happened?" asked the new guy.

"Jones replied, "Riley found out his credit cards were missing."

ELEVATOR JOKE

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, reaking of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, ... "Broccoli - 39 cents a pound."

Two young men join the army, and after six months are put on street patrol in an Iraqi city with a military curfew.

They are given instructions to shoot on sight anybody who's on the streets after six o'clock.

Several evenings later, they're out walking the street and the time is 17.40 when the first soldier spots a man on the opposite side of the street. He lines up the man in his sights and shoots him dead.

"What the hell are you playing at? It's not six o'clock yet" asks the second soldier.

"I know what I'm doing" replies his companion. "I know where he lives and he wouldn't have made it!"

In a large psychology lecture class, a professor took great pains each lecture to read a chapter of his weighty textbook, written by his good self, to the class.

One student made a point of sitting in the front row, right in front of the podium, and knitted while the professor read the text. It irritated the professor no end, so after about five weeks of this, the professor paused mid-lecture, looked at the girl student and said:

"Miss, are you aware that Freud considered knitting to be a form of masturbation?" The girl student looked up and replied, "You do it your way Professor - I'll do it mine."