Jokes

I just quit my job at the Kit Kat factory... turns out they don't let you have a break...

I saw a midget climb down the wall of a prison yesterday and glare at me.

I thought, "That's a little condescending."


I used to have a pet chameleon but it would never change colour, I got rid of it because it had a reptile dysfunction!


I've been offered 8 legs of venison for £100.

Does anyone else think that's too dear ?



Don't know if this is a wind up but I just received a text saying I'd won £250 cash or two tickets to an Elvis tribute night. It says Press 1 for the money or 2 for the show!


I took a poll this morning.

8 out of 10 people were unhappy their tent collapsed!

A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency.
Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. The couple produces photos of their 50 foot motor-home, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."
Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment. "Our nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied. They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon"

Jockey on the favourite comes in to the straight well in the lead. Suddenly he is hit by a turkey followed by a box of dates then struck by a Christmas pudding and a box of mince pies. Desperately trying to hold on he is finally struck by a bottle of sherry. The horse manages to finish second. Jockey goes straight to the stewards room to complain that he was severely hampered from the 2 furlong post to the finish!

Past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense....

So a blonde phones dominoes and orders a 18inch pizza the assistant asks would you like it in 8 or 12 slices? She replied 8 please I wouldn't manage 12.

Sitting beside the wife I said I love you she replied is that you taking or the beer I replied its me talking to the beer. lol

I answered the door this morning. A 6ft beetle punched me in the face & called me a fat twat. Apparently there's a nasty bug going round!

A local charity called asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving.

Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus. Lost my job as a bus driver.